10 Tips for Faking your Death at Sea

So, you want to fake your death at sea so you can start a new life. Well slow down there, buckaroo, there’s more to leaving your old friends and family behind under the guise of a mysterious boating accident than you might think! Because of this reason, I’ve taken the time to put together a short, detailed list of things to consider before taking the plunge (so to speak). So before you put your clothes on a dead pig, tie it to cinder blocks, and throw it in the ocean, maybe you should take a few minutes to make sure you’re faking your death at sea properly.

1. Keeping track of your motivation. Make a physical list of reasons you will be faking your death so you can visualize the things in your current life you’re trying to escape. Your list should be exclusive to you, but I’ve found the most common items are kids, marriage, debt, and the mafia. Faking your death at sea is a long, tough road and it’s a good idea to frequently remind yourself what have a chance to give up.
2. Be realistic. Sure, we all have pipe dreams of leaving our lives and debt behind, but if you aren’t SERIOUS about faking your death via ocean or waterway, I’d recommend not wasting too much time thinking about it. It can be a lot of work and isn’t for everyone. I always hate to see people wanting to do it for years only to be disappointed by a lack of planning or low success rate.
3. Work on building the lie or “long con”. Think about it: how believable is it that a loving, hardworking person with no interest in sailing or anything marine just up and buys a boat then disappears? Pretty far fetched, right? That’s why it’s important to make it believable by dropping subtle hints in the time leading up to the event. Maybe you start watching more pirate movies, maybe you start subscribing to sailing magazines, maybe you lay in the bathtub and chat “boat, boat, boat” every weeknight for an hour. That way when you finally DO buy the boat and disappear, people will think back to your love of boats and it will all make sense.
4. Secretly take sailing lessons for as long as possible. There is nothing more embarrassing than trying to fake your death at sea but then actually dying at sea. This step can be complicated because you will need to find someone who will teach you how to sail with cash rather than check or card, who will also let you use one of their boats instead of requiring your own. It is possible to buy a sailboat before taking lessons, but that skips a few steps. This would also give the impression that you’ve been getting boat experience, lessons or not, which can weaken your alleged death’s credibility.
5. Be ready to change your appearance at a moments notice. I shouldn’t have to tell you that part of faking your own death is making sure people from your old life can’t find you. However, if this is the first you’ve heard of living in disguise, I’m glad to have mentioned it! My recommendation, for both men and women, is to get in great physical shape. This helps in two ways. 1) You may need the extra strength to sail the actual boat or swim away, and 2) after you get to where you’re going you will have some wiggle room to intentionally put on between 20–40 pounds. If there IS a search, they’ll be looking for a buff, possibly gaunt survivalist, not a plump and happy stranger. In addition, men should grow out their beards and hair so they have something to shave off when in hiding. Women should radically change their hairstyle and style of make up. Subtle, yet achievable changes can make all the difference in disappearing.
6. Learn how to speak Spanish. Faking your death at sea or not, it might come in handy.
7. Befriend a suspicious character with a boat. While it is possible to fake your death by yourself, it is not recommended. Experts on the matter suggest finding and befriending a shady individual who isn’t above bending a few rules to help you escape your life. In theory, they would use their boat and lack of legal conscience to pick you up after you’ve set everything in motion at sea. Things to look for in these potential friends are long, leather trench coats, cigar smoking, brimmed hats, and a speech pattern similar to that of a gangster from a movie set in the 20’s. They can usually be found in alley ways or old bars near the docks. Finding these unsettling folk is easy enough, but befriending them and finding one with a boat can sometimes feel impossible. Although “be charismatic to them” isn’t great advice on the matter, it is all I have to offer you.
8. Keep a close eye on storms and weather patterns. This way, you can be sure to set sail on a day that seems sunny and clear, but you know will soon turn to storming. Following the weather might sound boring, which it is, but this step might be the easiest one to start. For most people, knowing someone who is interested in weather updates is nothing new or noteworthy. Your friends and family may start to consider you the “weird weather guy” from now on but you shouldn’t care because you are about to abandon them forever.
9. Buy a sailboat. After doing all the research and putting in the proper prep time, you are finally ready to buy the actual boat you’ll be faking your death on. You may be asking yourself, why a sailboat? Terrific question. A sailboat is the perfect boat for death faking because they are small enough to be privately owned, but are complicated enough where not everyone can be expected to know how to sail one. If you were to fake your death on a small fishing boat it could raise questions about how and why you boated out so far. If you go for a large, corporately owned ship, your attempt to start over could possibly be blamed on someone else, which would make you kind of a dick. If you “disappear” on your OWN sailboat, people would accept this because of the complexity of the ship and the blame would be solely on you. Win win.
10. Have a backup plan. This is the part of planning that amateur death-fakers overlook more often than any other step. It always breaks my heart that people will pull off the PERFECT fake death, only to buckle under pressure when things don’t go their way after the fact. You need to plan ahead. A solid backup plan involves you sitting down and working through every possibility and “what if” scenario. Things like: “what if the authorities find me?” Dealing with this on the spot could be disastrous, but with a little planning you may have worked out a plan to fake amnesia in that situation, for example. What if you change your mind about faking your death? Who knows what could happen if you just waltz back into your old life?! Probably bad stuff. Solution: amnesia again. Even if you think your “faking your own death” plan is foolproof, remembering amnesia can be a life saver, no pun/puns intended.

Hopefully these tips and tricks helped you or at the very least helped you explore all the holes in your plan to fake your own death at sea. I am not an expert, but I personally consider these 10 points to be the foundation for pulling of a perfect vanishing act.

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