10 Ways I’ll Be Getting Attention At The Beach This Week
Not All Of Them Involve Fresh Garden Cucumbers
1. With tents and lean-tos lining the perimeter of my 2.5-acre blanket, and crates of fresh cucumbers for ballast, my beach set-up will look like a Civil War reenactment at a farmers’ market.
2. Thanks to a bumper crop, I’ve been making soap and shampoo from cucumbers. A pulpy residue is composting all over my body, but that’s why I have cucumber-based deodorant.
3. My behemoth umbrella channels Vlad the Impaler. No matter how many garden vegetables I weight the rim with, any breeze sends it flipping end over end like a Cossack gymnast.
4. Vacation is my one chance to practice the accordion. If the polkas come out a bit wheezy, blame the salt crust in the innards.
5. Seagulls love my cucumber-infused sunscreen. They will swarm in vast numbers, filling the sky with their melodious cries.
6. Local ordinances don’t cover diesel two-stroke metal detectors. Finders keepers!
7. The stretchiness of my spandex thong makes it the optimal garment for carrying around extra cucumbers for handing out to sunbathers (despite the occasional misunderstanding).
