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13 Totally Made-Up Holidays Which Hallmark Will Introduce to Make Up For Lost Sales Due To Covid

Gila Pfeffer
Jan 13, 2021 · 3 min read

1.Teal Tuesday: It’s the day after Blue Monday, so you have something to look forward to other than your aneurism-inducing Christmas credit card bill. Head on over to your local Hallmark store and grab a few bags of teal-colored gummies! We promise they’ll make you feel good! *wink*

2. Mallentines Day: You love your local mall, don’t you? Of course you do, you’re American! Get your patriotic self over to your home away from home and while you’re there, head straight on in to the Covid-secure Hallmark store to donate to the “All Malls Matter” fund. Be one of the first twenty to donate and receive a free snow globe featuring a replica of, yes, YOUR MALL, to take home with you.

3. XXXalentines Day: For only $0.99 you can send an e-card to the unsung hero of this pandemic: Pornhub

4. Galenti- Oh, shit, Parks & Rec already invented that one. Dammit.

5. Pandemic Awareness Day: (formerly known as The Ides of March). Sure, you’re not likely to need to be reminded of the horrors we suffered. But what about future generations? What about the pandemic deniers? A tiny, enamel-coated lapel pin shaped like a toilet paper roll will make them take pause an appreciate their freedom to go clubbing any damn time they like. Available wherever fine Hallmark cards are sold.

6. National Sourdough Bread Day (End of March): Grab one of the 18 loaves from your freezer, warm it in the oven and commemorate your middle-classiness. Buy our specially designed commemorative plate to display your loaf on and, of course, remember to post a pic on Instagram and tag us!

7. International Clap for People Who Clap for Healthcare Workers Day: Sure, the healthcare workers deserve applause, but what about the regular people who had to put down their wine glasses and stop making sourdough bread long enough to clap for people who had to expose themselves to Covid every day instead of staying home and getting fat and making Tik Toks? Are we- er, I mean THEY- not heroes too? Say THANK YOU with a pair of limited-edition silk gloves which feature our patented moisture-lock technology.

8. Diez y seis di Mayo: It’s been 11 days since you last had arroz con pollo y arroz with extra salty margaritas and if that isn’t a reason to celebrate then WHAT IS? Free mini tequila bottle with every card purchased. Also download three Mexican themed Hallmark movies for the price of two!

9. Always a Bridesmaid Day: Remember that Sex & the City episode where Carrie stages a wedding between herself and herself and registers for one pair of silver Manolo Blahniks? Well now it’s YOUR turn to celebrate your singlehood! Do it with our signature chocolate tiara instead of $500 shoes. Don’t forget to tag your #girlsquad !

10. Congressional Stimulus Package Remembrance Day: You need this holiday because the stimulus check was so inadequate that you’d otherwise forget it, you ungrateful, wasteful, 72" TV screen-buying American, you. Walk into any Hallmark store and get a free envelope with nothing inside.

11. Eric Yuan Appreciation Day: Whether you appreciate the inventor of Zoom or not, he’s infiltrated your life permanently so you’d better show him some damn respect or he’ll crash your 8-year-old’s virtual birthday party with a C-list porn star stroking his Johnson. Celebrate the day with our 30% cotton socks which have “If you can read this then I forgot to turn off my camera” printed on the soles. (Available in kid sizes too!)

12. National Will Ferrel Celebration Day: Invest all of your money in one of five ridiculous new ventures which our intern, Derrick, came up with while high. People who’ll want to get in on this day? Possibly YOU!

13. Worldwide Pandemic Pet Day: Help prevent an en- masse return of Cotton Candy the cat and Muddy Puddles the dog by guilting your shitty friends and family into keeping the goddam pets they adopted during lockdown once life has gone back to normal. How? By giving them this card which makes whimpering animal noises when opened. 0.5% of sales will be donated to a local animal shelter.*

*after a minimum threshold of ﹩10,000 is reached

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