14 Signs Your Favorite Neighbor Is A Russian Hitman

James Klein
The Haven
Published in
2 min readFeb 8, 2022


1. Offers to carry your groceries up the stairs, even when his hands are full of weapons.

2. Attends every tenant meeting with lots of great suggestions, and two enforcers named Vlad and Razor.

3. Smiles and waves at you with broken teeth and bloody knuckles.

4. Promptly collects delivery boxes of duct tape, zip-ties, and plastic sheeting.

5. Doesn’t overfill shared dumpster with his bulging garbage bags that smell like rotting meat.

6. Helpfully suggests Russian Roulette as an ice-breaker at building superintendent’s retirement party.

7. Doesn’t need to be reminded to move his blood-splattered clothes along in the laundry room.

8. Headbutts Jehovah’s Witnesses away from building.

9. When asked how he gets his rock-hard muscles, offers to show you his exercise routine, called “hand-to-hand combat.”

10. Cuts down on noise by using a silencer.

11. Tattoos you think look cool are Cyrillic gang emblems, death-cult oaths, and mob initiation scars.

12. Is never late on rent, because the landlord pays him.

13. When asked what he does for a living, makes a self-effacing joke about the dullness of selling life insurance, before explaining it’s not that kind of life insurance, and you can’t choose not to buy it.

14. He’s a really, really nice guy. Except when he really, really isn’t.



James Klein
The Haven

My dog thinks I’m cool. Humor in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Greener Pastures, and others. All of it at jameskleinhumor.com.