The Haven
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The Haven

15 Jokes Mitch Hedberg Could’ve Said In 2021

Image by Tim Mossholder

Self-driving cars are a thing now. When I was growing up, we had those too; we called them trains.

I lost all my money in stocks. I put money in a stock with the abbreviation $NO. I think they were trying to warn me.

Skittles has this slogan taste the rainbow. So I tried it, and the rainbow coming from that puddle of water did not taste like skittles.

I wore my sunglasses and a mask to the grocery store. A little kid walked up to me and asked, “Sir, are you an astronaut?” “No, but if I was, I’d be doing a terrible job.”

My manager always wants to meet on Microsoft Teams. There’s nothing team about it. How about we call it Microsoft You Talk For 2 Hours or Microsoft Mitch? You Still There?

During Quarantine, I was productive and read 45 books. I didn’t know Dr. Seuss had so many.

I’ve been taking vitamins to boost my immune system. I accidentally boosted it too much. I took three vitamin D’s and tried stopping a robbery. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a regular guy with high antioxidants.

I bought an e-reader, but I’m illiterate, so I need a reader.

There’s this thing called NFTs, where people sell digital copies of a product for a million dollars. I’ll be selling some digital copies after the show.

“Mitch, I thought your DVDs were only $20?”

“They’re NFTs now.”

A ring light is a lot bigger than I imagined. How is that supposed to fit on my finger?

My friend has an Amazon Echo. Whenever I walk into his house, I tell him to turn it off. I only want my phone to overhear my conversations.

I love the term minimalist. It’s a sexy way of saying I’m broke and you’re paying for dinner.

My cousin is a hitman. He told me to stop telling people that. But, how else am I supposed to get free Cold Stone?

I was told CBD oil would help me relax. So, I started putting it in my tea while I sit down and smoke weed.

There are these viral Tik Tok videos of people living in vans. I wish I knew that 20 years ago. People used to laugh at me, “Mitch, you live in a van!” “Hold on, but in 20 years, they’ll be this thing called Tik Tok!”

Rest In Peace to the legendary Mitch Hedberg



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