Are you tired of reading success stories?
Are you tired of feeling bad about yourself every time you visit this platform?
Are you tired of advice that asks you to work harder?
Everyone on this platform cannot be possibly doing well, so why is there a happy, productive, you-can-do-it-too article everywhere I see?
Have you ever wondered about the missing pieces?
Then search no more, you have found the perfect article. Here lies a list of my authentic, unproductive, and absurd practices as a novice writer. It is going to make you feel better about yourself and NOT urge you to introspect.
Will I deliver on this promise? Yes, absolutely, 100%. I am very sure of this, so sure that I could offer you a money-back guarantee. You know, return the 2 cents I earned off you.
Last night I had this unique idea, a life-changing moment.
I am done waiting to share my writing journey until I become famous.
I am going to start right now.
I will talk about my shitty routine, spiraling self-doubt, and obsessiveness with numbers. I will share the story of my measly income, which covers the cost of a McDonald’s value burger and my inability to write every day.
I know you didn’t ask for this, but I am going to write anyway. Why? Because my weekly quota needs to be filled. If I don’t write at least one article a week, what am I doing here anyway?
So without further ado, let’s jump into the listicle, we have all not been waiting for.
- Constantly checking my stats by refreshing the page at least twice every half hour, more if I have just published an article. I fear an auto-generated email at the end of the day, saying, “You have visited our page 163 times today. For our sake and yours, please STOP.”
- Tapping on the bell icon, again and again, expecting the round green figure to miraculously appear. One notification a day keeps my self-doubt away, for a few seconds, at least.
- Keeping track of my numbers with increasing difficulty, which arose after I started writing more than one story a month, and now responses are stories too. What a nightmare! (Is there anything more infuriating than not being able to locate a read? Seriously, where did it go? Then there’s the question of missing time. A kind soul clapped and even highlighted my story, and you are saying that they spent only 27 seconds? That’s freaking impossible.)
- Procrastinating my plan to create an evidence board on my wall to keep a permanent record of everything. I wish to get better at playing this game, and I need to find the breadcrumbs. All the crime shows that I watched in my twenties have adequately prepared me for this exercise. I need to buy some yarn ASAP.
- With immense difficulty, stopping myself from contacting support to ask about my modified numbers. I mean, how dare you change it the next day? I most definitely saw a view, and now it’s not there anymore. (Seriously, I need to get the board going asap. I need proof.)
- Aggressively refreshing my email on weekends, when my laptop is not handy. I expect anything and everything, even remotely relevant, to be communicated to me right away.
- Getting frustrated and logging on the platform anyway. I swore that I would not do this, weekends are supposed to be reserved for digital-detox. Aha! There’s a notification, someone clapped on my story, oh my god 49 claps. I was right, the system is broken.
- Tracking my payout from the 30th of the last month to the 8th of this month, every step of the way, because I don’t expect it to actually come through.
- Cramping my index finger from leaving 50 claps on other writer’s articles expecting a friendly visit to my page in return.
- Checking my email, first thing in the morning with one barely open tired eye, waiting for the holy grail — The curation email.
- Scrolling through my homepage faster than Netflix’s top ten (which is totally ridiculous by the way). Looking at the sea of new articles in my network to make myself feel bad about not writing. Do you see it? X just published their 4th article of the day, and what are you doing? Maybe it’s time to stop calling yourself a writer.
- Feeling intensely jealous when a piece quite similar to mine does infinitely better. *Insert High School flashbacks*. Can someone please tell me what does she have that I don’t?
- Writing Drunk, because that’s the only way I can stop myself from hitting the delete button.
- Not taking any breaks while writing because a few seconds away from the screen, and my mind starts auto-editing my work. It refuses to move forward. I even reduce my water intake. If you know what I mean, raise an empty glass!
- Doubting myself at every step from the birth of an idea to publishing a piece. This exercise involves but is not limited to biting my nails, jitters, foggy vision, sleepless nights, constant panic, and wishing to give it all up.
- Taking time off between articles because my mind and body are utterly exhausted, and I couldn’t lift a finger even if I wanted to. What should we call this…. Ummm…burn out, yeah, that sounds good and not totally crazy and made up!
A positive thing that I will miss very dearly when I become famous is celebrating small victories. The surging feeling of excitement with every cent, follower, and 1-second read. The many small yet meaningful milestones, such as publishing my first article, curations, acceptance into publications to writing four pieces in a month.
I will always remember the feeling of contentment that creeps up on me at times, in between bouts of crippling anxiety, when I look at my published work.
Enough of this sappy nonsense, let’s move on to more important things.
Here’s my secret plan for when I become famous:
- Delete this piece.
- Stop writing personal essays and start writing about the most crucial topic ever — Writing. When I am qualified to give advice, I will write about writing to writers on a writing platform. Is there a better way to memorialize my success and fame? I don’t think so.
- Ask everyone to not care about their numbers because it will be humanly impossible to trace stats by then. Maybe I should build an algorithm for this. Let’s see, perhaps there are some free online courses available.
My backup plan for the tiny and remote possibility that I don’t get famous:
I will die trying, angry, and yet content, about the fact that I wasn’t appreciated in my time.
Although I will not rest in peace and definitely choose to come back and haunt you all, so, what are you waiting for, make me famous, quick!