The Haven
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The Haven

19 Marketing Slogans for the Biblical-Sounding Restaurant Opening in My Town

Residents of the Town of Mt. Pleasant, private facebook group

I saw this announcement just this morning, about a new restaurant opening in my town. It was in a community facebook post. Of the 76 comments thus far, all of them are congratulatory. Only one comment politely questions the thinking behind the restaurant’s name.

People are so nice.

Still, I feel like this is a missed opportunity. No, not to scrutinize or ridicule the naming and design choices of the owners. Because the banner ad is in fact quite intriguing and beautifully presented. I totally want to go, when this place opens in the Fall.

But I also think they could use some copy, to go with the visuals.

Allow me to spitball some suggestions …

THE THORN — Mediterranean Restaurant & Bar

  1. Because every supper could be your last.
  2. The flatbread is to die for!
  3. Oh, our wine tastes like water? … Blasphemy!
  4. It’s a long climb up the hill — come, take a load off!
  5. No, we don’t do birthdays. Retirement parties, yes.
  6. Because Olive Garden is for agnostics.
  7. It’s like Medieval Times — with more Passion!
  8. It’s like Medieval Times — but one of the actors will be crucified.
  9. Yeah, we serve lamb. I know …
  10. If you are dissatisfied with your meal in any way, you may partake in the stoning to death of the sous-chef.
  11. The only restaurant with salt shakers in the shape of Lot’s wife.
  12. Here, you don’t need coupons to gain redemption.
  13. Best chops in town. Hey, the Lord is our Shepherd.
  14. Ye Shall Return!
  15. Yelp reviews — our favorite New Testaments!
  16. Blessed are the meek — and those who pick up the check.
  17. Ladies Night — every Ash Wednesday.
  18. 50% off if you order in Aramaic!
  19. Don’t wait for the Second Coming … Book now!

Nota bene: I reside in the hamlet of Thornwood, in the town of Mount Pleasant, New York. So that’s probably where the idea for the name came from. But I credit the owners with some very subtle, subliminal messaging — note the grilled lamb chops arranged sort of like the closeup of a crown of thorns in the background image.

This is a lovely community, with significant representation of the descendants of Southern European immigrants. They tend to be more conservative — politically and socially — than Westchester County as a whole here in the Hudson Valley, so if I published this list on the community social media boards, I would probably get pilloried.

Thanks for reading this far! I’ve dug up an earlier story in the same vein, from the archives (before I began focusing on poetry, I guess), also inspired by a local restaurant (Bebe, Ann, it was nice revisiting your comments):

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Joe Váradi

Joe Váradi

Editor of No Crime in Rhymin' and Language Lab | ..."come for the sarcasm, stay for my soft side"