2 Dead, 9 Injured After Massive Brawl in Union Square Park Over Which Studio Ghibli Film is Best
UNION SQUARE, NYC — Reports confirm that earlier today a massive brawl broke out in Union Square Park around 2:35PM EST. The most recent report (3:26PM EST) puts the body count at 2, with 9 people suffering non-life-threatening injuries. Eye witness testimonies vary but from what we could gather it appears as if the fight broke out over which Studio Ghibli — a popular Japanese animated movie studio — film is best.
“One guy was wearing a My Neighbor Totoro hoodie, and another guy, sitting down with his buddies on the steps, complimented him on it,” a witness told us. “He then went on to say that his favorite Studio Ghibli film was Porco Rosso, and then made the mistake of saying it was his favorite because it was easily the best and most underrated movie in the Ghibli-Miyazaki canon.” The witness shook their head. “It was all downhill from there.”
It wasn’t long before the two grown men were screaming at each other.
“I saw these two guys getting into each other’s face and said to my girlfriend, ‘Babe, check this out, these two dudes are about to fight.’ I was really excited. Love a good fight. My favorite movie is Fight Club,” another witness told us for some reason. “Anyway, when I turned to see my girl’s reaction, she wasn’t there. Then I heard her shrill voice, the one she uses when she’s mad, coming from the direction of the two guys. She had joined in on the argument. After about ten seconds she had a knife pulled out.” The witness took a deep breath. “It all went downhill from there. Quick.”
Things got even more heated when another person joined in the fight claiming that the movie Grave of the Fireflies was the most profoundly heart-wrenching movie Studio Ghibli ever produced. That person was immediately stabbed and beaten up, as Grave of the Fireflies wasn’t directed by Hayao Miyazaki — the director that made Studio Ghibli famous — and thus wasn’t even up for debate.
“Once the Princess Mononoke freaks started showing up, I knew how it was going to go down,” a third witness told us. “Mononoke fans don’t play around, man. They’re zealots. As soon as they jumped onto the scene with their Mononoke masks, spears, and wolf pelts, things went downhill quick. Real quick.”
As the fight went on, supporters of Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind appeared on the scene, but they apparently took their time getting started, and really dragged in the middle. According to a recent report, there were little to no people who showed up to fight for Castle in the Sky.
The brawl lasted for about twenty-five minutes before the police came in and took control of the situation. According to one eye witness, a few of the cops, when placing people under arrest, told them how unnecessary and stupid all this was — Spirited Away was by far the most popular Studio Ghibli film ever made. If that didn’t deem what was “best,” nothing did.
