20 Easy Steps to Simplify and Tidy Your Massive Pile of Shit

Laura Skopec
Mar 7, 2020 · 3 min read
Photo by Rick Mason on Unsplash
  1. Buy a book to teach you how to get rid of your shit.
  2. Leave the book, unread, on the coffee table for 8 to 12 weeks, or until it is completely covered in unopened mail.
  3. Give your youngest child a glass of juice. Yell, “Two hands!” as you watch him spill the entire contents of the glass on coffee table’s shit pile.
  4. Attempt to remove the semi-adhered junk mail from the book about getting rid of your shit.
  5. Open the de-shitting book and immediately begin to panic about the task in front of you. Close the book.
  6. Walk past the book multiple times per day and promise each time that you will start reading it after the kids are in bed. Break that promise at least 22 times.
  7. Step on a marble barfed up by a Hungry Hungry Hippo. Vow that, this time, you are definitely getting rid of some shit.
  8. Consult the still-sticky de-shitting book for tips. Read 10 whole pages before the panic sets in. Take pride in your progress.
  9. Begin removing shit from your home in baby steps. While your children are sleeping, gather all the baby toys still taking up space in the toy bins, under the couch cushions, and behind the washing machine.
  10. Toss the baby toys in a cardboard box for donation. Remind yourself to put the box of shit in the trunk of the car before bed so the kids don’t see it in the morning.
  11. Forget to put the box of shit in the trunk of your car before bed.
  12. Awake to your children, 5 and 8, fighting over who gets to chew on a crusty Sophie the Giraffe used, most recently, as an emergency replacement squeak toy for the dog.
  13. Attempt to take the box of shit to the car. Become trapped in human quicksand and ultimately return the baby toys to the toy bins, defeated.
  14. Focus on containing the massive pile of shit in your closet instead. Keep the clothes that are too small because you find them inspiring, keep the clothes that are too big because you find them reassuring, and keep the maternity clothes just in case.
  15. Remove one mismatched sock, one tattered bra, and 17 of your husband’s shitty shirts from the closet.
  16. Enter the basement in search of a box for your husband’s shitty shirts. Accidentally trip over a piece of unused sporting equipment, setting off a chain reaction that topples the vast array of semi-functional baby gates, broken high chairs, and bulk toilet paper.
  17. Decide that embracing the massive pile of shit will be far easier than sorting, simplifying, and/or tidying it.
  18. Exalt in your newfound sense of inner peace.
  19. Learn that the woman who wrote the book about getting rid of your shit is now selling goofy curated shit to replace the shit she told people to throw away (A tuning fork for your soul! A $42 reusable bag just for toting fresh bouquets of flowers! Designer charcoal!). Feel morally superior to the suckers who followed her advice.
  20. Step on an acorn that is, for some fucking reason, sitting on your living room floor pointy-side-up. Vow that, this time, you are definitely getting rid of some shit.

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Laura Skopec

Written by

Laura Skopec is a writer, researcher, and comedian based in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s and Slackjaw.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Laura Skopec

Written by

Laura Skopec is a writer, researcher, and comedian based in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s and Slackjaw.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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