FATHER’S DAY
2023 Father’s Day Gift Guide
Interesting gifts your father will love, especially if your father is me
It’s that time of year again when everyone but fathers remembers that Father’s Day is coming up. Fathers generally don’t think about Father’s Day because they have so many other pressing concerns on their minds such as trying not to forget Mother’s Day, although it’s now June and Mother’s Day was LAST month I’ve just now learned while researching this article. No wonder my wife has been giving my son and me the cold shoulder, by which I mean we haven’t heard from her since she sped off in the car, sobbing, weeks ago.
At any rate, even though Father’s Day isn’t generally “top of mind” or “on the radar” for most fathers, they do, nonetheless, “love getting” free things from “just about” anyone, especially useful things like pocket knives, roofing joists, or flamethrowers. This year, with the COVID-19 pandemic (remember that?) finally mellowing out, or raging depending on which news website you read, we find ourselves in interesting times, and interesting times call for interesting Father’s Day gifts. Here are my 2023 picks for Father’s Day gifts, chosen based solely upon the fact that I want them.
80-Hour Horizontal Candle
It’s widely known that former United States President Abraham Lincoln grew up in a simple log cabin where he learned to read by candlelight. There has never been a better endorsement for reading by candlelight, and with this 80-hour horizontal candle, you’ll be able to read by candlelight so much that you, too, might one day become a very important contributor to United States history or, at the very least, find yourself completely immobilized knee-deep in candle wax.
3-in-1 Mango Slicer, Peeler, and Pit Remover
Have you ever tried peeling a mango? If you have, then reading that sentence probably sent you spiraling into a fit of rage, because mangos are a pain in the ass to peel. They are also disgusting inside. Sure, they taste great (just like mango) but they’re so slimy and sticky that peeling a single mango can often leave you covered head-to-toe in tacky, orange glop attracting flies from miles away. This is why you should never try to peel a mango on public transportation.
Cutting a mango is no easy feat, either. Their peel being so slick, any attempt to slice one usually results in the knife slipping forcefully off the side of the mango causing the mango to shoot off across the room and lodge itself in sheetrock, because it also contains a hard pit which is about the size of a golf ball but as dense as a neutron star. This is another reason why you should never bother bringing mangos on public transportation.
Thankfully, now there is a 3-in-1 mango peeler, slicer, and pit remover making preparing and consuming mangos on the subway safer than ever!
Basturma
You know what makes a father happier than anything else in the world? His child’s angelic smile? His spouse’s caring attentiveness? Nope. It’s cured meats.
All fathers agree that nothing quite says “I love and appreciate you” like a gigantic slab of seasoned, air-dried meat, and cured meats don’t get more gigantic or slabbier than basturma, made from large chunks of beef or, traditionally, water buffalo. If you don’t happen to have any beef or water buffalo around for making basturma, then any animal within reach will do such as sheep, wild boar, giraffe, or one of those little yappy dogs everyone hates no matter how many bows you put in its hair. Those dogs would be far more beloved as basturma.
Butt Face Soap
If there’s one thing we fathers are tired of it’s having to wash our faces with the very same bars of soap that we use to wash our butts. In fact, many fathers flat-out refuse and will only wash their faces OR their butts. These fathers are easy to spot. Some have faces covered in filth and pustules while others you wouldn’t want to be stuck in a hot elevator with.
Thankfully, fathers can now ensure they’re clean from prologue to epilogue with a bar of soap scientifically optimized exclusively for use on both butts and faces. It’s called — get ready for some branding wizardry like you’ve never encountered — “Butt Face Soap” and each side is clearly labeled and formulated for each region so you know which side washes which part.
Canned Wi-Fi
Gone are the days of having to suffer the slow speeds of canned 2400 baud BBS connections! Now, with canned wifi, you can do all the fatherly online stuff you need to do that requires high-speed internet connections no matter where you are. Important things like online banking, booking colonoscopy appointments, and looking up ex-girlfriends on Facebook and maybe— if life feels like doing something right for dad for a change — OnlyFans.
Haha! I’m just kidding, of course. We fathers love our current spouses and would never daydream of going back in time, finding our exes, and changing everything. Literally everything. So many things could have gone better — could have gone right — if only we’d been more caring and attentive to their needs, but now here we are marinating in regret that we ended up stuck with… Nevermind. Happy Father’s Day!
Hand Grip Strengthener
While you might think this is some sort of medieval torture device used to keep men from pleasuring themselves, it’s actually a hand grip strengthener. Why might a father want to strengthen his grip, you ask? There are several reasons:
- Yanking grapefruit-sized wads of wife hair from the shower drain.
- More exuberant high-fiving when a preferred sports team does an optimal sports thing.
- Removing stubborn lids from pickle jars because apparently, the damn pickle industry has started using some form of secret NASA-grade technology to affix pickle jar lids, possibly involving the insertion of tiny black holes borrowed from CERN into the jar, creating an unyielding gravitational pull on the lid so strong it can’t be removed by anything short of a direct assault by nuclear weapons.
- Increased self-pleasuring performance (take that, medieval prudes!)
- Wielding ever larger, heavier slabs of basturma.
Conclusion
Rest assured, that by choosing any, or all, of the above options as gifts for me — I mean the father person in your life — then you will have proven through an act of commerce that you did not forget Father’s Day. Especially the basturma, please, because I think my wife took that with her when she left.
