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25 Things Amerykaniecs Shouldn’t Say In Poland, Austria, Or Germany
Because then they’ll know you’re an Amerykaniec.
1. “Sprechen sie Englisch?”
2. “This apartment has a washer but no dryer. Do all Eastern Europeans dry their skivvies on the sofa?”
3. “I haven’t seen a single police officer since we arrived. I guess street signs in German with exclamation points are enough.”
4. “How big is your plate of meats?”
5. “The stairwell in our building has no electricity or heat. I totally get what life was like during the Occupation.”
6. “I half-expected Poland to be in black and white with Wagner playing in the background.”
7. “The Pilsen neighborhood in Chicago has the same energy as Krakow and only costs me $2.50 on the bus to get there.”
8. “Who do we have to annex to get some mustard around here?”
9. “I need a calculator and complete silence to figure out how these numbers and letters make up a language.”
10. “Are you pissed or are you Polish?”
11. “Silly me, I thought two bathrooms meant two toilets. No wonder you all lost World War II.”
12. “Ask the house band if they know any songs by Kraftwerk. Or Mozart.”
13. “We waited two hours for a piece of dry cake. Then 5 Uber drivers ghosted us while we got lost in the cemetery looking for a free bathroom. Are we in Vienna or Newark?”
14. “Where did they film Sophie’s Choice?”
15. “Say what you will about Americans, we don’t let our kids shave their heads and take up smoking until at least age 13.”
16. “I’d like to order the wiener schnitzel without the wiener.”
17. “Why are you shouting?”
18. “Check out all the smoking lounges. I guess no one taught them to vape in groups of five huddled around a half-open window the way God intended.”
19. “Rock me, Amadeus.”
20. “This is a quaint village, but it’s loud. I prefer to be woken up by hot flashes and anxiety attacks, not revelry in the town square.”
21. “Even the laughter here is aggressive.”
22. “Man, look at all these locals. And I thought New Hampshire was white.”
23. “Do you play hockey?”
24. “These thermal pools and salt mines will keep you alive forever. Thank God for vodka and totalitarianism.”
25. “Ukraine is a two-hour car ride in that direction. Who’s in?”
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