30 Arguments To Have With Your Husband Before You Die

As Phyllis Diller Once Said, “Never Go To Bed Angry — Stay Up and Fight!”

Roz Warren
Aug 18 · 3 min read
Photo by MARK ADRIANE on Unsplash

By Roz Warren and Janet Golden

Do you and your sweetie have the same old arguments over and over? Are you starting to think there might be exciting new arguments you could be having instead? We’re here to help, with a list of 30 arguments to have with your husband before you die. They’ve all been tested on actual couples, with results ranging from weeks of icy silence to outstanding “make-up sex.” Take them for a spin and see how much conflict your relationship can withstand!

1. Accidentally making decaf in the morning is grounds for divorce.

2. Just because I have no sense of direction doesn’t mean I’m wrong about how to get there.

3. Your grandfather’s middle name is a stupid name for a baby.

4. “Thou shalt not pay for parking” is not a commandment.

5. A Phillies T-shirt is not appropriate garb for a wedding reception, even if you have to miss the game to attend.

6. Whole wheat pasta is not gerbil food.

7. Loading the dishwasher: Yes, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. My way is right.

8. The television anchor can’t hear you. Stop yelling at him.

9. The other drivers can’t hear you. Stop cursing at them.

10. The coach can’t hear you. Stop threatening him.

11. If your mother rearranges our living room furniture one more time, I’m going to shoot her, stuff her, and put her on the wall.

12. We DON’T need a larger television. A gigantic screen won’t stop the Eagles from losing.

13. There’s no such thing as too many cats.

14. Beer is not a food group.

15. Dirty socks do NOT enhance a room’s feng shui.

16. Any trip that includes your folks is not a vacation.

17. Running a vacuum cleaner does not deplete testosterone levels.

18. Why pay for a gym membership when you can get plenty of exercise mowing the lawn?

19. Touch the thermostat and die.

20. Any outfit I look fabulous in is a bargain. End of story.

21. When the smoke alarm battery gives a death bleep in the night, it is time for you to get up and fix it.

22. I correct your grammar because I love you.

23. I kick you when you start to snore because I adore you.

24. I won’t let you leave the house wearing that hideous shirt because I’m crazy about you.

25. “Does this dress make my butt look big?” is a question with only one correct answer.

26. Sexy underwear is not a present for me. It’s a present for you. You still owe me a present. (And I don’t mean the family jewels.)

27. As far as I’m concerned, leaving the toilet seat up is your way of saying “We’ve been having way too much sex lately.”

28. Musicals are an art form.

29. It’s only a game. They’re not losers. They’re millionaires. Stop crying.

30. It isn’t good for the children to hear us argue — unless I’m winning.

What’s your favorite spat to have with your spouse? The oddest thing the two of you have ever quarreled about? Please share it in the Comments section.

(If you liked this humor piece by Roz Warren you might enjoy this one too.)

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Roz Warren

Written by

Roz Warren, FBTA, (https://muckrack.com/roz-warren) writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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