IT AIN’T HISTORY

30 Things No One Has Ever Said

I’m getting an extra colonoscopy to make sure I hit my deductible early

1. I don’t think I deserve this much money.
2. Those clogs make you look younger.
3. I had to stop wearing my homemade Star Trek uniform because I was getting hit on too much.
4. That bolo tie makes you look overdressed.
5. I think I’ve had enough bacon.
6. There are far too many puppies here.
7. I understand every note of this Jazz.
8. That escape room was so well ventilated.
9. Let’s have the family reunion somewhere warmer than Arizona next Summer.
10. I’m worried that I get too much sleep.
11. I really enjoyed that gas station’s tabouli.
12. I’m having a hard time choosing between the baby back ribs and the kale salad.
13. My write-in campaign to bring back the Coors Party Ball is going really well.
14. You’re far too attractive to be touching me there.
15. My high school counselor totally nailed it.
16. I miss that dog down the street that kept attacking my crotch.
17. I wish this plane seat had less leg room.
18. That Pauly Shore movie really made me think.
19. Why would anyone want a free massage?
20. I wish my young children would express themselves more vocally at grocery stores.
21. Those Canadian Geese were so quiet and non-aggressive when we got close to them.
22. There are way too many convenient parking spaces around here.
23. This music sounds so much better in mono.
24. I got a ton of homework done in study hall today.
25. I keep getting Lady Gaga and Mother Teresa mixed up.
26. I’ve been looking to add more toxic people in my life.
27. Dammit. Where is that Taco Bell receipt?
28. That red light was way too short.
29. I’m so glad I went to Jack-In-The-Box after the bar last night.
30. Where do I file a complaint about my tax refund coming too quickly?

Okay, technically that was 31. I know you smarties notice these things. Feel free to delete your least favorite one from your photographic memories.

John’s 80.8 year-old-mom still says he’s a very good boy. You can buy him a cup of coffee here if the spirit moves you: https://ko-fi.com/johncorten.