37 Boys My Milkshake Has Brought to the Yard
1. Boy whose dad insists that he apply to Harvard but he really just wants to go to Florida State
2. Boy who is both a professional cook and a registered dietitian (chef boy RD)
3. John Boyega
4. Boy whose bar mitzvah was ruined by Geralt of Rivia
5. Boy who mistook his wife for a hat
6. Boy who plays Fortnite with his mom’s yoga instructor
7. Boy with a tragic backstory that really fleshes out his motivations as a character
8. Boy who starred in a yogurt commercial in 1994
9. Boy who just got an internship at an abandoned refinery in a haunted bog
10. Boy who’s really indie (into music you probably haven’t heard of)
11. Boy who’s really Indy (secretly a whip-toting professor of archaeology)
12. Boy who’s not allowed to sleep over at my house because his parents are real b-holes
13. Boy who wears a backwards baseball cap on top of his forwards baseball cap because he thinks it makes him look like Sherlock Holmes
14. Boy who can’t stop telling people that he’s from California
15. Boy who’s always striking out with women (because he plays softball with them and is terrible at it)
16. Boy who owns an authentic medieval crossbow but will never tell his friends about it because he thinks it’s dorky but they’d actually be really excited about it if he did
17. Boy who uses Taking Back Sunday lyrics as his away message on AOL Instant Messenger
18. Boy who started juggling ironically but is now super into it
19. Boy who died of consumption in 1831 and now he won’t stop opening and closing the doors to my cupboard in the middle of the night
20. Boy whom everyone calls “young man” but he’s actually 36
21. Boy who delved too greedily and too deep, awaking shadow and flame in the darkness of Khazad-dûm
22. Boy who says “nice” whenever he sees the number 69 but has no idea what it means
23. Boy who just got a pair of socks for Christmas but isn’t old enough to appreciate socks as a gift yet
24. Boy who sold his soul to the Devil and now his shadow is forever replaced with a QR code that links to a coupon for 10% off your next order at Quiznos
25. Boy whose therapist is a broom with googly eyes on it (but has still guided him on a profound and intimate journey of personal growth)
26. Boy who always likes and subscribes when the video creator says to like and subscribe
27. Boy to whom I owe a debt that can never be repaid (he saved my life)
28. Boy to whom I owe a debt that can never be repaid (like a shitload of money, like sooo much money)
29. Boy who’s stuck in a time loop
30. Boy who once defeated a hydra in single combat and now he’s so annoying about it, like we get it, we know, we heard you the first eight thousand times, go read a book or something dude
31. Boy whose job at the Loser Store is to call people and tell them the store is “fresh out of you”
32. Boy who always wears cargo pants so he can carry around 4-6 roasted sweet potatoes at all times (in case he needs to replenish his health bar)
33. Boy who smokes three packs of camels a day (by which I mean he hunts camels in the desert, slaughters them by the pack, then smokes their meat)
34. Boy who always spends like 45 minutes in the bathroom, what is he doing in there?
35. Boy who transforms into a werewolf whenever he hears a song by Third Eye Blind
36. Boy who is gifted with the uncanny ability to identify whether a photograph contains any buses, stop lights, or stop signs
37. Boy who’s popular, attractive, and intelligent because he follows me on Medium
