37 “Facts” About Elden Ring I Heard From Drunk Jim Down At the Docks
1. Elden Ring was designed and developed by actor Elden Henson as a gimmick for proposing to his girlfriend
2. If you purchase five copies of Elden Ring, most stores will throw in some bonus items for free: four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree
3. You can play as one of four classes: Sword Man, Italian Plumber, Skeleton, or British Goku
4. The game supports many different types of controllers, including Wii Remote, Nintendo Power Glove, bridle and reins, or whispering in the Ancient Tongue
5. You can learn about the world’s characters, history, monsters, and general lore at the Library of Gossitorr…if you’re a NERD
6. But no seriously, there’s all sorts of cool stuff in there. But if you do spend a lot of time in the Library, watch out for the Denim Demon, who WILL beat you up and take your lunch money if he catches you reading a book
7. Be sure to visit Insane Daniel, the shopkeeper, who will sell you absolutely batshit nonsense that is of no use whatsoever
8. You can upgrade your weapons by visiting the blacksmith, Swollen Roger
9. The game has a special accessibility mode for dogs
10. The producers spared no expense when it came to hiring top voice talent; look out for the Wraithlord of the Eastern Kingdom, voiced by Gilbert Gottfried
11. You can exchange goods for gold pieces, but each gold piece has a backstory and personality and you have to learn their names and forge a bond of affinity with them in order to spend them; but by then, you won’t be able to bring yourself to part with them
12. The entire game is dairy-free, so you can enjoy it even if you are lactose intolerant
13. If you see a big ogre fighting a wyvern, you’ve missed your exit; you can make a U-turn at the next intersection
14. You can fight other players in the game, but you both have to be home by dinner time or mom will get mad
15. Every time your character levels up, listen for a knock on your door; it’s Woody Harrelson, here to clamp his meaty mitts on your shoulders and nod approvingly
16. You can enchant your sword with a variety of additional effects, such as Frozen, Sticky, Gluten-Free, Sarcastic, or Floppy
17. Every time you roll to dodge an attack, your shame meter increases; raise it high enough, and you receive an automated email from the game’s creators calling you a sissy
18. You can pet the Fell Hound of Ivnir, but he will devour your soul; it’s probably worth it though, he’s so cute and fluffy
19. Your character has a variety of dance emotes, but using any of them will cause a swarm of angry bats to attack you (bats hate dancing in this world, just like they do in ours)
20. There is a quest where an NPC asks you to seek out various waterfalls; DO NOT accept this quest
21. All of the game’s cinematics were directed by Wes Anderson; I’ll leave you to imagine how this would be funny
22. You can customize your character’s voice lines, except for the line you say when you die, which is always “aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh shitburgers”
23. The strongest weapon in the game is a bow that shoots swords, and the swords it shoots are actually dragons that breathe fire, and the fire is actually more swords that are dragons
24. The Elden Ring is eldener than most rings, but is not actually the eldenest, contrary to popular belief
25. You have to beat the game swiftly in order to obtain the Elden Ring, lest it be pilfered by the game’s antagonist, Sonic the Hedgehog
26. Once you obtain the Elden Ring, it can be used as a hula hoop for a tiny little guy; that is its primary function
27. The first boss is really hard but you can defeat him by laying down your weapons and resolving your differences diplomatically
28. The second boss is resistant to fire damage but vulnerable to seduction
29. The third boss is programmed to look exactly like your dad; watch out for his devastating mustache attack
30. The fourth boss has a gun; you’re fucked
31. The fifth boss is extremely dangerous; he knows karate and isn’t afraid to use it
32. The sixth boss has a name that is unpronounceable by any human tongue; however, it’s spelled exactly like “Jeremy” so you might as well call him Jeremy
33. The seventh boss is very tall and, I’ll say it, handsome
34. The eighth boss is allergic to shrimp, but unfortunately shrimp do not exist in the game so you can forget about that little trick, you sly devil you
35. The ninth boss didn’t invite me to his birthday party and I’m still mad about it
36. I can’t tell you anything about the tenth boss; that information has been redacted by the federal government
37. The eleventh boss is Spiderman
