37 More Boys My Milkshake Has Brought to the Yard
Published in
3 min readFeb 2, 2023
- Boy whose high school class voted him “Most Likely to be Devoured by the Chupacabra”
- Boy who started a podcast instead of going to therapy
- Boy who looks just like that one actor from that one show
- Boy who challenged his orthodontist to trial by combat
- Boy whose diet consists only of graham crackers and depleted toner cartridges
- Boy who did it in the Library with the Candlestick
- Boy who brews his own kombucha in a haunted bog
- Boy who became an astronaut just so he could get the 15% employee discount at the NASA gift shop
- Boy who escalated tensions in the Middle East “ironically”
- Boy who got bitten by a radioactive spider and immediately got sick and died
- Boy with a Crayola crayon color named after him (“dipshit blue”)
- Boy who’s embroiled in a centuries-long rivalry between two noble families
- Boy who puts mayonnaise on a bagel
- Boy who calls vampires “Draculas”
- Boy who’s all too quick to remind you that his father is celebrated Container Store founder and CEO Robert Containerstore
- Boy who’s so self-confident, he does crossword puzzles in blood
- Boy who once lost a debate against a duck
- Boy who’s really nervous about asking out his crush because the last time he tried to talk to her she decapitated him with a samurai sword
- Boy who cheated on the SAT by having sex with the ACT
- Boy who puts hot sauce on everything not because he likes it but because it irritates his stepdad
- Boy who knows a lot more about Chinese mythology than he lets on
- Boy whose brunch was ruined by a rampaging Mimosasaur
- Boy who is quick to assure you that the pulsating chrysalis dangling from his neck is purely vestigial
- Boy who won a Pulitzer Prize for Fiction for his steamy yet poignant Wolverine x Nigel Thornberry slash fic
- Boy who, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, believes Donkey Kong is a donkey
- Boy who was executed by the state for punching back after his little brother said “yellow punch buggy no punch backs”
- Boy who translated the screenplay for 27 Dresses into Dothraki
- Boy who pranked his karate instructor by surreptitiously placing an unstable uranium atom on the training dummy
- Boy who subscribes to PornHub “for the articles”
- Boy who doesn’t root for the Lakers because he thinks Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the villain from Aladdin
- Boy who can see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch (it’s because it has a lot of sugar in it)
- Boy who hunts werewolves but has yet to find one because they’re not real
- Boy with a new and frightening medical condition doctors are referring to as “spaghetti nipple”
- Boy whose dentist is furious with him because all his teeth got replaced with piano keys in a cartoon accident
- Buy who tragically drowned in a poorly executed attempt to fuck the Loch Ness Monster
- Boy whose ratio of mining to crafting is just outrageously bad
- Boy whose pastor is Optimus Prime
