37 Things I’ve Said At the Gym
1. Excuse me, sir? Sir? These “Gym Rules” you have posted? You’re gonna need to make some changes to those. They don’t pass the Bechdel Test, dude.
2. No, I’m not gonna lift them! These are my emotional support dumbbells.
3. Oh, no, it’s fine. The horse is my spotter.
4. It’s chest day today! [I haul out a massive trunk overflowing with gold coins, baubles, and trinkets]
5. It’s arms day today! [I brandish my halberd]
6. It’s traps day today! [I prop up a cardboard box with a stick and place a protein shake under it]
7. It’s calves day today! [From the enormous crate behind me comes a muffled mooing sound]
8. It’s hip day today! [I begin drinking a local craft IPA, which I’m definitely not allowed to have in here]
9. [motioning repeatedly to a woman on the treadmill to remove her earbuds] Hey can you help me with my math homework?
10. Of course I know how to use this machine correctly! I’m just getting warmed up. [another one of my organs slips out of my mangled chest cavity and splats onto the floor] Pssh, I didn’t even need that one.
11. [I walk up to the biggest, sweatiest guy doing bench presses and sit down gingerly on his chest] So, do you come here often?
12. That’s right, I’m Jim. It’s such an honor to have a whole type of building named after me.
13. [sniffing around the squat rack like a rodent] Wasn’t there a sandwich somewhere around here last week?
14. After you. I insist! [I gesture to the rowing machine that’s covered in pulsating black vines]
15. [making my way around the room gently placing a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie directly on the dirty floor next to each gym patron] Annnnd one for you, annnnd one for you…
16. Oh, no, it’s fine. The horse is my trainer.
17. [lying on my back, a fistful of British banknotes in each hand] Look how many pounds I can bench!
18. Abs. Quads. Pecs. Lats. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony.
19. [cutting into a weight plate with a knife and fork and taking a bite, chewing thoughtfully] Hmm…a little salty.
20. [I pick up a dumbbell but it instantly turns to gold at my touch, suddenly doubling in weight so I drop it and it crushes my toe]* God damn it!
21. [kneeling at the feet of the biggest, sweatiest guy doing bench presses, dressed in full surgical scrubs, screaming at his crotch] PUSH!! PUSH!!!
22. [prodding patrons’ ankles with a tiny foam trident while jumping up and down] I’m the fitness imp! I’m the fitness imp!
23. Oh my god, Brenda! It’s me! From work! No? You don’t recognize me? Oh, we’ve never met? Your name’s not Brenda? You’re a federal agent who’s been pursuing me for some time now? I’m wanted on how many counts of grand theft auto? Well, fair enough, I guess. That is the exact number of cars I stole. Dang, I really thought you were Brenda from work. You look just like her.
24. I’m swole as heck, you guys! [I collapse onto the floor unconscious, covered in bee stings, to which I am highly allergic]
25. Oh, no, it’s fine. The horse is my legal guardian.
26. Whose bench do you have to press to get a dry martini around here?
27. [peeking up over my copy of The New Yorker that I’m reading while perched atop the squat rack] Would you fellas mind keeping it down a bit?
28. Whew! Usually the only time I’m this sweaty is when I’m committing perjury. Which is often.
29. [delicately draping a blanket over the biggest, sweatiest guy doing bench presses and giving him a tender kiss on the forehead] Good night, sweetie.
30. [to the cardboard cutout of Alicia Silverstone that I’ve obviously placed on the treadmill myself] Excuse me ma’am, are you almost done on this machine?
31. [pouring my bottle all over my face to cool off like they do in the movies, but it’s full of honey so it just drips slowly into my eyes] Ahh, so refreshing!
32. [grunting and straining as I struggle to lift a printed-out picture of a dumbbell] Whew! New personal record!
33. Oh, no, it’s fine. The horse is the executor of my will.
34. Hey, buddy, can I borrow your towel? Mine’s drenched in blood and viscera.
35. [doing dumbbell chest flies while standing in a large bowl of soup] Waiter! There’s a fly in my s– [a giant cartoon anvil falls on my head before I can finish]
36. You can do it! Just one more rep! Come on, you got this! [the camera zooms out to reveal that I’m standing alone in the dark, shouting at the wall. The gym has been closed for hours]
37. [striding up to the biggest, sweatiest guy doing bench presses in order to establish dominance] Heed my words, thou putrid scoundrel! This gymnasium is but spacious enough for one bloke most strapping as our esteemed selves. Prithee, what say we settle this matter like gentlemen? [I begin to take out my backgammon set but it slips out of my silk-gloved fingers, clattering to the floor and spilling the pieces everywhere. I burst into tears. The bench press guy finishes his set and then gives me a big hug. He helps me pick up the backgammon pieces and we gradually forge a bond of friendship that will last a lifetime]
*I looked it up. Gold does weigh about twice as much as the equivalent volume of iron or steel. And before you ask: yes, doing research for a joke and then writing an explanatory footnote does make the joke funnier. You’re welcome.
