45 Caves to Putin’s Wishes

”He’s the father I never had”

Americans who feel perplexed by Drumpf’s performance in Helsinki this morning may feel better after learning the back story to the proceedings. Putin played on 45’s insecurities, insecurities created by life with a cold father who gave the tyke everything he ever wanted but love.

“It was clear Putin played to that lonely little boy with father issues,” admitted B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff John Kelly’s assistant deputy. Kelly put Kizzazz in charge with the instructions to never leave him alone with Putin. Unfortunately, the crafty Russians distracted Kelly’s aide and swept an innocent President away for an evening of fathering 45 had never known.

“It was brilliant tactical move,” Russian analyst Boris Kolodnose explained. Kolodnose chairs American studies at the Post-Soviet Institute of Election and Technology Education. “First they take him to the biggest McDonalds in Helsinki. They let him ride toy horses, eat all the Big Macs a child can want, and double orders of supersized shakes. Even a happy meal with a toy crown they stick inside box the day before. Then they take him to Jerry Lewis triple feature and stuff him with popcorn and candy. Promise him his own pony when he comes to Putin’s estate. What idiot man child can resist such temptation?”

“They take him to the biggest McDonalds in Helsinki. They let him ride toy horses, eat all the Big Macs a child can want, and double orders of supersized shakes … Promise him his own pony when he comes to Putin’s estate. What idiot man child can resist such temptation?”

Before the morning’s summit, Russian agents hustled Drumpf from his warm and comfy bed for a rousing game of touch football. “I never got to play football with my real dad,” a fresh-faced 45 shouted as he waddled onto the soccer field. Putin threw more than two dozen passes through 45’s eager fingers and into the steady grips of his own personal bodyguards. That didn’t matter to Drumpf when Putin gave him the “game ball” after the exercise.

“This is the best present I ever got,” said the blushing 70-year-old man. “My dad never threw passes to me. He handed me the real estate section and told me to find three deals before I could eat breakfast.” Still energized by his sugar rush from the night before, he nodded in awe as Putin lectured him for two hours on the need to make sure his profitable deals are handled by middlemen and to shoot dissidents.

At the end of the press conference, Putin presented Drumpf with the deed to his own Moscow Hotel, the Downtown Merdeiot. “It means, in Russian, The Honorable Hero Donald Trump,” Putin told him.[1]

At the end of the press conference, Putin presented Drumpf with the deed to his own Moscow Hotel, the Downtown Merdeiot. “It means, in Russian, The Honorable Hero Donald Trump,” Putin told him.

Forty-five broke down, wiped the tears from his eyes with his tailored Italian suit, and said, “You’re the best father a man could ever have.”

Once Air Force One left the runway, Putin told reporters, “My old man threw me out of house every morning to hunt bear for dinner. I come back empty handed he lock me outside for night. I cry, he beat me with baseball bat. Made me strong man. Your leader’s father prepared him to be a leader and got a soft, cream filled pillow. But we work with what our election tampering gives us. Which never happened, by the way.”

[1]: Language experts say “merdeiot” is a combination of the French word “merde” and “idiot.”