45 Helpful Nicknames for 45

45th President of the United States of America

It’s been less than a year since the world’s least appealing reality TV star was elected president of the United States, and even his biggest fans will acknowledge that the man who occasionally spends time in the White House these days is a divisive figure.

Of course, his backers applaud his brand of divisiveness; in their eyes, the president’s little idiosyncrasies — his narcissism; his fondness for totalitarian thugs; the torrent of lies forever gushing from his lips — are merely emblems of his anti-establishment bona fides. He went to Washington to drain the swamp, right? No wonder elites, liberals, and others with functioning frontal lobes find his temperament unnerving.

But the fact remains that countless people with every reason to distrust this president — a silver-spoon billionaire and swindler of the working class — instead seem to adore him. It’s just … weird.

Be that as it may, a huge majority of Americans really can’t stand the guy. In fact, in a rigorously unscientific poll I conducted recently among my own friends and family, around 93 percent of those surveyed can no longer bear to say or hear the president’s name, or even see it written down. (The other seven percent have been too drunk or otherwise self-medicated since last November to respond coherently to any questions on the subject.)

For these people — indeed, for men, women, children, and clever pets around the globe — encountering the president’s name in any format is ideologically, psychologically, emotionally, morally, and in some cases physically distressing. With relief for those sufferers in mind, below are 45 monikers anyone can use when referring to the 45th president.

Take a look. Try them out. Roll them around on your tongue. (But not in a sleazy, on-the-”Access Hollywood”-bus kind of way.) If one of them feels right, by all means use it. Or better yet, come up with your own. After all, we might be stuck with 45 and the vile corporate goons in his administration for another three years, but nobody says we have to utter his name ever again.

Shall we begin?

  1. Mayonnaise Jar in the Sun
  2. Dumpster Firestarter
  3. The Emperor of Malcontents
  4. Bile Barker
  5. Teratoma-in-Chief
  6. The Orange Supremacist
  7. T. Rump
  8. The Grunch
  9. Grope-a-Dope
  10. The Mountain That Slithers
  11. Hell’s Colander
  12. Lawn Dart
  13. Snoodge
  14. Donald the Hutt
  15. The Atomic Smirk
  16. A Dunce of the Confederacy
  17. MacTurdly
  18. The Gilded Wrench
  19. Der Toddler
  20. The Morning After
  21. Achy Breaky Autocrat
  22. Dimbo
  23. Babadook on the Potomac
  24. The Cave of Red Winds
  25. Sad, Scary Tennis Shorts
  26. MAGA-lodon
  27. The Underwhelmer
  28. Creepy Guy Hanging Around the Miss Teen USA Dressing Room in 1997
  29. Grawp
  30. Il Douche
  31. The Pinto Fuel Tank With Legs
  32. The Witch-King of Mar-a-Lago
  33. Concrete Whoopee Cushion
  34. The Angry Inch
  35. Lyle Lanley, Jr.
  36. Thrice-Married, Wealth-Worshiping, Cyber-Bullying, Pussy-Grabbing Hero of the Christian Right
  37. Klong
  38. The Bedminster Wendigo
  39. Daddy’s Little Draft Dodger
  40. The Unburied Hatchet
  41. Kublai Con Artist
  42. The Abominator
  43. El Pollo Loco
  44. The Father of Mendacity
  45. Our Man in Moscow