5 Times My School’s Wise Old Janitor Let Me Down
I don’t recall the janitor from Air Bud ever causing an entire trigonometry class to pass out from heatstroke
Like most people who came of age in the 80s and 90s, Hollywood led me to believe that the answer to most adolescent problems could be found in one place: the well-meaning admonitions of the school custodial staff. This turned out to be a lie in almost every instance. My school janitor, Mr. Coleman, led me to nothing but catastrophe.
After failing to make the high school competitive barbershop quartet, I retreated to the empty bleachers in the gymnasium to brood. Mr. Coleman sidled in with a sack full of sawdust and proceeded to dump it on a pool of vomit on the 3 point line. “Gotta dry it out so it don’t smear" he said with all the gravity that years of dealing with the youth brings. This was bullshit, as throwing sawdust in the eyes of the barbershop quartet did not secure me a place on the team and did secure me 6 months in juvenile detention.
Upon my release from juvie, I angrily confronted Mr. Coleman about his terrible advice. Mr. Coleman, his face inscrutable, took a swig from his bottle of peach Snapple, set it aside, and bestowed upon me the following wisdom:
