5 Tips to Help You Run Your Company into the Ground

Mo Solo
May 16 · 4 min read

How Ballbuster, Inc. used lessons from the Galatic Empire to destroy itself.

Would you like to run your company into the ground? Do you enjoy ruining people’s lives? Maybe you are ready to cash in and receive YOUR golden parachute? If so, then look no further! Today you can achieve your dreams and goals by following these tips based on successful strategies inspired by the Galactic Empire and employed by Ballbuster, Inc.

Be convinced you are invincible, both personally as a leader and as a corporation or empire.

It may sound counterintuitive to tell you to believe you are invincible when your end goal is to destroy your company, but believe me it works.

Ballbuster, similar to the Empire in Star Wars, was a large, international corporation, convinced that because of its sheer size it could dominate the market. Size along with its previous successes have laid the groundwork for resistance to new ideas as well as input from others, regardless of how knowledgeable and qualified they are.

Remember Darth Vader? He believed he was invincible because he accepted and pursued the dark side of the force. You too, need to believe you are invincible as your company’s CEO, CFO, or CIO. Don’t be afraid of the dark side. It is only through the darkness that you will be able to emerge with your new life, funded in part by your golden parachute.

Don’t listen to “the people.” Get rid of them if they disagree, argue, are competent, or if they make too much money.

In order to completely crush your company, you must ignore questions, concerns, or new ideas from the people. You don’t need them; after all, you are invincible.

You don’t see the Emperor or Darth Vader asking for input from their underlings. Ballbuster learned this lesson as well. They routinely ignored suggestions on how to make things work better. Unlike Darth Vader or his boss, the Emperor, the leaders at Ballbuster could not simply force-choke an employee to death when he or she disagreed with them (although they probably wanted to). Instead, Ballbuster simply laid off people who interfered with its plans and outsourced their jobs to cheaper and less troublesome people.

Control your employees through fear.

Don’t waste time team-building, holding brainstorming sessions, and paying bonuses. Instead, focus on controlling your employees by creating fear.

In Star Wars, everyone feared being killed or force-choked by Darth. Ballbuster, however, preferred to use the layoff speculation method where for months and months rumors circulated about possible layoffs.

They even hired actors to pretend to be workers in some obscure department who were laid off. The actors would stumble down to the main floors crying or cursing, but being sure to make a show for the real employees. This method greatly increased the employees’ fears and anxieties.

Be prepared to lie or obfuscate.

When Senator Palpatine began his bid to take over the Empire he didn’t hesitate to lie in order to achieve his goals. Additionally, he hid the fact that he was, in reality, a Sith Lord as he knew the Jedi Knights would be determined to stop him once they found out his true identity.

Ballbuster, too, practiced this effective strategy by having the legal department conduct briefings at the employee meetings. The briefings were conducted by a master speaker of legalese which even the most educated of employees — following along with their unabridged dictionaries — were unable to comprehend.

Design and sell a flawed product.

There simply is no surer way to destroy your company than by designing and selling a product that does not work or that people do not want.

Take, for example, the Death Star. This contraption should have never made it to market. It was too big, energy inefficient, and could be destroyed if a simple proton torpedo made it into the thermal exhaust port! And, honestly, isn’t destroying an entire planet overkill (pun intended)? It’s like thinking you need a Hummer to drive 5 blocks to work (war zones excluded).

However, the Death Star did do the job of helping to destroy the Empire. Ballbuster also failed to accurately read the market, keep up with competitors, and provide products that people want.

This attribute, in my mind, was the key element to Ballbusters’ downfall. Of course, they did have some help from certain investors.

Bonus — If for some reason these 5 tips aren’t quite enough, you may want to stop contributing to your employees 401(k)s. Ballbuster also implemented this soul-crushing tactic to great success.

Disclaimers: Any resemblance to any corporation, limited liability corporation, other business entity, or empire, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Do not attempt these steps without consulting your legal department, preparing your Storm Troopers, or before ensuring that you do indeed have a golden parachute.


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Mo Solo

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Mo Solo

Recovering academic. Suffers from RBF. Drinks tea. Published in Slackjaw & The Haven. Get your monthly humor fix here! http://eepurl.com/cDhOAX

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk