5 Ways Captain Marvel Stuffed up the MCU
“I’m gonna end it”
Captain Marvel has finally arrived on Earth and has invaded our cinemas to the delight and scorn of many. She’s crashlanded in the middle of a culture war and as she says in the film…
“I’m not gonna fight your war. I’m gonna end it.”
And by “end it,” she means the MCU!!!
That’s right, Captain Marvel’s presence in the MCU has caused irreversible damage that even Thanos, with his Infinity Stones, can’t undo! Space, time, reality and logic have gone straight out the window! Take this for example…
Oh, and SPOILERS below…
1. It turns Nick Fury into a jerk
Or worse… the most incompetent protector of the Earth ever!!!
By the end of the film, Carol Danvers a.k.a. Captain Marvel hands Fury his pager with instructions to page her when the Earth needs help.
A little assist would’ve been nice here…
And we could’ve used a hand here too…
No, not perilous enough for you Fury? No sense of urgency required? The Avengers will handle it. Nevermind they’re fighting against each other the following year!
Hmm… there’s always the chance you did page Carol and she didn’t get the message, but then that just turns HER into a jerk!
What? Too busy to help your home planet? Even Thanos is more concerned for the stability of Earth. He halved the population to save us from ourselves!!!
2. She never ages!
Did I miss something or did we NOT get a proper explanation for why Carol doesn’t age in the film?
When was she born again? Based on the rampant sexism on display, you’d think she was born in the 1800s!
Okay, so her body was forever changed by an engine blast. Oh, and she has Kree blood flowing through her veins. I get it, she’s not exactly human anymore. So does that mean she ages slower than the rest of us?
I guess that makes sense, but that causes problems for the MCU going forward. Will they have to use the same de-aging technology they used on Fury to keep her looking young for future films?
3. Fury loses an eye to a pussy
This is it, guys. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Finally, we’re gonna find out how Fury lost his eye…
What kind of badassery will we uncover here? Who is this person Fury trusted that caused him to lose his eye and diminished his trust in others and peripheral vision for years to come?
Wait… what? He loses it to this goose?
Or cat I should say. I’m sorry, but I was expecting something more badass than that! A cat scratches his eye and that’s it? Are you friggin’ kidding me???
Taken down by a pussy? Pathetic. I dunno who’s the bigger pussy in this pic…
4. She’s too overpowered!
It’s like Superman in Justice League…
Once he shows up, who needs the guy who talks to fish? Or the guy who flings his arms about like a man who’s never run a day in his life. Seriously, why are your limbs doing that???
Captain Marvel is like the new machine at work that just made the rest of the staff redundant. Now that we have her, who needs the guy with good aim, but terrible taste in hairstyles???
As I said in my Captain Marvel review, we don’t need two captains. And we certainly don’t need two Mohawks…
5. So, Skrulls are the good guys?
Like Fury says in the trailer, Skrulls are the bad guys…
So why on Earth would you make them the good guys by the end of the film? It makes no sense! You’ve got a perfectly good, I mean bad, alien race and you’ve made them sympathetic. Pathetic!
Every time Marvel introduces a cool villain they turn them into good guys. Look what they did with Loki, the Winter Soldier, and even James Gunn…
I’ve had it! Can’t we keep the Marvel villains as villains? How are you going to do Secret Invasion, the famous comic book story arc where the Earth is invaded by shape-shifting Skrulls, when you’ve turned them into refugees? Even Trump would take issue with that!
We’re potentially gonna miss out on all the fun guessing which Avenger could be a Skrull. Could it be any of these guys???
Nah, the real Skrull is this guy on the left. Kevin Feige, the head of Marvel Studios…
For allowing Captain Marvel to derail the MCU forevermore!!!
Nah… just kidding. He’s alright and the MCU will survive, despite the stuff-ups listed above.
Thanks for reading, for more…
