5 Winter Outfits to Define Your Holiday Mustache
Tips to make that stache pop this holiday season!
No shave November has come and gone. December is well under way. Now it’s time to decide what to do with your now giant mustache. Should you shave it off like your girlfriend and mother and boss and neighbors and close friends and mailman and passing strangers and doctor have all been begging you to? Not so fast! All that lip toupee needs is a great holiday outfit to create the right context. After all, in today’s society a mustache must be properly explained.
Here Comes “MAN-ta Claus”
The classics never die for a reason. Burt Reynolds, Steve Harvey, Nick Offerman, Selena Gomez. Nothing delivers a staggering boost to your manhood like some good old fashion face furniture. A flannel shirt paired with a khaki pocketed vest from LL Bean lets people know you’re not one to shy away from manual labor. Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone you recently pulled a muscle getting out of your car. Complete the look with some slim fit jeans and a pair of Clark’s chukkas. Pro tip: Smash the Clark’s repeatedly against the side of your apartment building to make them look like they’ve seen real, outdoor use.
Santa’s Little Smarty Stache
How will people know that your twirly mustache comes with strong opinions about the current Ukrainian conflict? Easy! Combine a pair of Warby Parker turtle shell glasses with an officially licensed Peaky Blinders flat cap. No one will dare google any of the facts you just made up about the Austro-Hungarian Empire while wearing a dicky sweater under a sensible peacoat from Macy’s. Top it off with a pair of black penny loafers from the Neil Degrass Tyson winter collection. Pro tip: Accessorize by carrying around a first edition copy of a bullshit book everyone read in high school.
Unionize Santa’s Elves
“Capitalism’s concept of competitive man who seeks only to maximize wealth and power, who subjects himself to market relationships, to exploitation and external authority, is anti-human and intolerable in the deepest sense” — Chomsky. That’s right. You’ve read Chomsky. Noam Chomsky. Nothing says “dismantle the system” like a small, tight south brow paired with a “Tax the Rich” hoodie from the AOC online shop. Let your family know that their vile, consumeristic holiday party is over as soon as you walk through the front door. Grab your iPhone or iPad or Macbook Pro and hop on to amazon.com to snag a black pair of Dickies work pants to complete the look. Pro tip: In case you get hot around the fireplace make sure you are wearing a Che Guevara tee shirt under your hoodie. Available now at Urban Outfitters and Spencer Gifts.
Frosty the Patriot
This country was stolen and you’re going to let everyone in your Bible study know about it. Pair one of the MAGA hats you already have with a limited edition “Let’s Go Brandon” hoodie from magapatriotonenationundergod.guns. Complete the look with military issued camo pants and black boots from the Army surplus store. It’s not stolen valor if it’s just the pants. Let your shithead, “college boy” nephew know that you mean business at Christmas Eve Mass. Pro tip: Masks really clash with this outfit and cover up the lip glory with which god himself has blessed you. Never wear one. Accost anyone who recommends you do.
A Ride in Santa’s Slay
Nothing is more exciting and attractive than a well traveled man. Mustaches have historically been grown by those who search the world seeking adventure. A French beret from Hermosa Mime Outfitters meshes nicely with any comically oversized scarf from the Lenny Kravitz fall line (available exclusively at Costco and Sam’s Club). Look fashion forward with bellowing European harem pants. People don’t really ask about the pants if you open all conversations with “they are actually really trendy in Europe.” Pro Tip: Carry your passport with you everywhere to make sure people know you’ve been out of the country, even if it was just once to Cancun with your family when you were 17.
