7 WAYS TO ACE YOUR JOB INTERVIEW (and still suck at your job)
You might be an aspiring student looking for a good internship opportunity or just a lazy person who wants to read something irrelevant (go to sleep, Grandma!). Because this is a guide for people who are introverts, and when they speak, some gibberish comes out of their mouths that even they don’t recognize. No need to worry anymore as this guide will take you places (if you clear the interview first, of course).
Follow these ways to ace your interview and possibly take the job of the interviewer himself by shocking him to death through your brilliance:
1) Don’t be HONEST:
Honesty is crucial when it comes to situations where you have to tell fat lies about yourself (only if you are skinny. sorry). If you are brutally honest about yourself, then the interviewer will also be brutal with you by not offering you the job. If the requirement for the job is 10 to 15 years of working experience, then tell them you came out of your mother’s womb typing the most efficient marketing strategies while naked. Tell them that your priority is not the money but the exposure to working in an office where you can breathe the air of life, excitement, and opportunity. And then immediately ask how much they are paying you for the job.
2) Turn back the questions:
This is easily the best strategy to get a job. When they ask you, “why are you applying for the job?”. Ask back why are they offering the job. And get violent with it. Start breaking things in the office, especially if you are broke (financially). That way, they will ask you to pay for the damages, and you will say, “I am broke.” Hence, they will have no choice but to offer you the job so that you can pay them back! How do you think I got through college?
3) Offer them YOUR job:
Now that is one mind-bending technique to bend your mind (or mind your bend?). When they are interviewing you, start interviewing them. And in the end, tell them they are a good fit for the job. Offer them a big raise and hand them an advance of 20 bucks or whatever is your budget for the month. Upon getting a job with such good pay at a company called “Beeches” (pun intended), the interviewer will get overwhelmed with joy and start yelling at his boss, complaining about how fat he is and how he hated his boss for dating his wife. That is your cue to jump on board with the company by offering your girlfriend/wife and getting the job.
4) Show them who is the BOSS:
In this strategy, you just have to locate the boss’s office and show the interviewer boss’s face.
5) PRAY:
Pray to God before and after the interview that the interviewer gets diarrhea or he falls out of their chair, putting the “HIRED” stamp on your resume by accident. Pray that the company goes bankrupt because of their Bitcoin investments, and they hire you because you have been in “that” situation many times. Pray that the interviewer falls in love with you so that, even if you don’t get the job, you at least get some action.
6) TIME:
Tell the interviewer immediately after entering the office that you don’t have much time to display confidence. That way, they will reject you right there, not wasting your time by taking the interview. On the other hand, you can tell them you have all the time in the world so that they can hire you as a trainee for a year without pay and then fire you at the end.
7) Never Give your INPUT:
At some point during the interview, the interviewer will ask you about your input for the job you are about to fill. How will you capitalize on the opportunity by making the company more profitable? You will not answer and remain silent. Either they will kick you out of the office for your silence or get curious. You will take a 50% risk, and the interviewer will offer you the job out of curiosity. Of course, you will suck at the job and be fired but never disclose your input. That is top secret.
