SATIRE
9 Preposterous Pick-Up Lines to Use on a Vegan
Only slightly more original than, “If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple”
Those poor abandoned pick-up lines.
They were just sitting there. All 9 of them, in my Google Drive. For years! Like innocent pineapples stranded on a beach, waiting for someone to feed them to a vegan.
If you or someone you know is a vegan who has had as little luck in dating as I have, you’ve come to the right place!
You see, I almost hit the jackpot once. I met a sexy animal-loving electrician man. He texted me a plant-based pick-up line… and some other things. “I WANT TOFU TONIGHT,” his T-shirt read.
I was soy happy to be on the receiving end of such a delicious pun. However, I had forgotten to take my B-12 supplement for a while and couldn’t think straight. The perfect pick-up line evaded me and — alas — by the time I got back to him, he had already ditched me for some yoga girl named Lilianne. (In the stock image, Lilianne is represented by the evil sapphire blue pineapple lurking in the shadows!)
Devastated, I took my anger out on every last vegetable in my kitchen. I karate-chopped 16 heads of purple cauliflower, burned them in the oven, and ate them with gobs and…
