A day in the life of a banking exec who wakes up at 5:30 a.m. and immediately has to use the bathroom, always eats green (which makes her have to use the bathroom even more), and studies at Stanford in her free time.
This is a parody of https://www.businessinsider.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-hsbc-executive-melania-edwards-2018-10.
Melanie Onwards is always on the move — and so are her bowels.
She recently broke down her daily routine for Gastrointestinal Insider. Here’s what her day looks like.
Onwards wakes up at 5:30 a.m. and always kicks off her day with “meditation.”
“I find that the best way to set the tone for the day ahead is a meditation where I focus on deep breathing and determine my priorities for the day,” she said. “And by ‘meditation’ I really mean taking a long poop.”
At 6:30 a.m., she catches up with friends and family.
Onwards has lived and worked across Europe, Asia, and the US, so her family and friends are based all over the world. She spends some time in the morning catching up with them on FaceTime. During that time, she concentrates on not pooping.
She eats breakfast — a bowl of fresh fruit or a bottle of green juice — at 7 a.m.
“It makes me have to go to the bathroom a lot,” she said. “But it’s healthy. So what can you do?”
At 7:30 a.m., she plays a game of tennis.
Before heading to work, Onwards likes to play a game at a court near her home. This also stimulates her bowels.
Around 8:30 a.m., she heads to work.
She walks to her office in sneakers — they’re a must, as she lives in San Francisco’s Russian Hill neighborhood, which features lots of hills. “Sometimes I really feel the need to go to the bathroom when I’m walking up a big hill,” she said. “But I’m really good at clenching from all the cardio I do, so I can usually hold it.”
Once Onwards gets into work, her day is full of meetings. She always starts her meetings by asking her clients and colleagues, “Does anyone have to use the bathroom before we start?”
Around 10:30 a.m., she meets with tech companies.
Onwards talks to emerging tech companies. To Onwards, this is a great opportunity to ask people how they like to “do their business.”
“It’s exciting to learn about those fancy toilets they have in Japan,” she said. “Living in the Bay Area exposes me to a plethora of new ways to use the toilet that I never thought about before. I know all about bidets now.”
It’s time for lunch around noon.
To Onwards, lunch is “a time to refuel” after an intense morning at work. Her break usually starts at around noon, and she likes to grab a salad, which keeps her regular. “You can’t risk getting constipated,” she said.
Around 1:30 p.m., she goes back to work.
Back at work, Onwards starts a conference call with her working group. If she needs to poop during the call, she mutes it.
Then she travels to Palo Alto. Onwards has two work locations — her office is in San Francisco, but she works with many venture-capital firms in Palo Alto. She takes the Caltrain between the two.
While she’s commuting, she listens to a podcast — her favorites include “The Digestion Doctor”, “The Daily Digest(tion),” and “The Poop Podcast” — or checks emails on her laptop.
“I’m grateful to live in two innovative and thriving environments, surrounded by many public restrooms,” she said.
Sometimes she likes to grab a cup of coffee or tea from the Starbucks next to her office.
“Obviously, everyone goes to Starbucks because that’s where you go to use the bathroom,” she said.
A big believer in continuous learning, Edwards is getting a certificate in innovation and entrepreneurship from Stanford University.
“They have great restrooms,” she said.
Later in the evening, Onwards works with an organization in Papua New Guinea to promote women’s economic empowerment in the country.
The organization helps women learn how to dig toilets. “In my spare time, I try to give back,” she said.
At 7:30 p.m., she does yoga.
Because a lot of her day is spent on her laptop, Onwards likes to fit in a yoga session to stretch and relax. “I find it helps me with my digestion,” she said.
Still, the best way to wind down after a busy day is cooking with her boyfriend and experimenting with new recipes.
“I like to see how his meals affect my gut,” she said.
After dinner, they walk around the neighborhood, which has become their evening ritual.
“I map out all the places I’ll be using the bathroom the next day,” she said.
