A Feeble Morning Ritual That Won’t Boost Your Productivity, But Will Make You Feel Like Less of a Slacker in Comparison
A Day in the Life of an Academic Advisor/Humorist Wannabe
My typical day starts at 3:47 am. That’s when I get tired of thrashing around in my sweaty night clothes and give up trying to use the meager power of my mind to overcome hot flashes and insomnia.
The first thing I do is gulp down an insulated plastic glass of ice water and mutter, “It’s too fracking early to be up.” The ice water helps dissipate any remaining hot flashes as does sitting up in bed. It’s like they (I mean hot flashes) are hovering over my bed like some sort of demonic spirits and only sitting upright keeps them at bay. As soon as I lie down they swoop down with their hellish heat. If only I could sleep propped up.
Since it’s only 3:47 am and the rest of the normal world is still snuggled sweetly in bed except for those super productivity freaks, I take time to do a little intelligence gathering. By which I mean I peruse the news, my Medium feed, and LinkedIn.
First, the news. Egad!! It’s all bad. How is the human race still even alive? Quickly I shift to LinkedIn where my feed is filled with people doing videos in cars and even one career coach who is dancing around and then flings herself on her bed. Ugh! Too damn perky for me to handle at this time of day. Maybe I’ll get lucky on Medium and find something useful or…dare I hope? Funny?
I scan the recommended reads. “To Leash or Not to Leash…Your Toddler.” Great! Maybe this is a humor one. I quickly open the article and start reading only to discover it truly is a debate on whether parents should use a leash. WTFrack! Why is Medium recommending this for me?
I click back and scan some more. Productivity tips, how to write 5 articles a day, 7 ways to eat more kale, how to be woke. Sighing I scroll down to Topics for You. Why do they call it that? The green buttons they always show me are NOT topics that I want to read. Where the Hell is the Humor button? Why does it always move around? Are they trying to hide it from me? Dammit! I feel a hot flash coming on. Medium has gotten me so riled up it’s triggered a hot flash.
Finally, I find the Humor topic button and click on it hopefully. Quickly, I look for something funny to soothe my sleep-deprived psyche. Nope. Nope. Nope. Do these curators even have a sense of humor?
Grumpily, I put down my phone. I do NOT check my email. Why? Because undoubtedly there will be emails from students sent at 1:30 am who seemingly thinks that I work all night.
I head to the kitchen where I do NOT drink lemon water, have a protein shake, or eat fruit washed in pure rainwater that comes only from the island of Latesthealthfoodiancraze. Instead, I opt for that beverage that Americans were once silly enough to dump into the bay. Yes, tea.
While the tea steeps, I look through the mail stack. Junk, junk, junk, VA notice of appt., duplicate VA notice (so that we can waste more money), bill, junk.
All of the current advice talks about the benefits of mentors and coaches and so on. And, if you don’t have a mentor or coach to follow thought leaders on LinkedIn. Instead, I opt to follow humor writers on Medium. They make me chuckle, snort, giggle, and sometimes guffaw. So once my tea is ready, I hop on over to my network or the top-secret hangout of Medium humor writers on Facebook so I can get in a humor workout.
Giggle, giggle, snort. Giggle, giggle, snort. Guffaw. Guffaw. Guffaw. A good humor workout gives me the motivation to skip the gym, forget about a run, and instead drag myself to the shower. But at least I’m smiling!
Finally, I’m ready to go to work. Thinking about the committee meeting on committees, I whimper like a scolded dog, “Do I have to?”
I soothe myself with the thought of sneaking in a bit of writing or testing out a few new jokes on unsuspecting academics.
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