A Five-Year-Old Rapper Attends Kindergarten

Timmy’s problematic gangsta attitude and language

Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Unsplash

Dear Ms. Wilson,

Although we encourage creativity and imagination in our Learning-Thru-Music Kindergarten for Gifted Children, we have concerns about Timmy’s new gangsta rapper persona and his freestyle raps. Our goal is to instill a love of learning through age-appropriate music and, although I know little about rap, Timmy’s experimentation with this genre doesn’t fit with our objectives.

When his father dropped him off Monday (7 minutes late), Timmy bounced into class with his Clifford the Big Red Dog hat on backwards, sunglasses, several strings of silver plastic beads and a sleeveless white t-shirt with the inscription, “Fk U Mo Fo” written with a cherry-scented felt pen. Interrupting our “Wheels on the Bus” song, he yelled into an empty toilet paper roll which was wrapped in foil:

Daddy drove up to school,
But forgot to unbuckle my booster-seatbelt … Fool!

Released to the street, I leap from the minivan
Gimmie my fuckin’ schoolbag, man!
Can’t wait to see my clan

I grabbed his “microphone”, placed it out of reach in the crafts cupboard and made it clear that we don’t use the f-word in kindergarten. I am trying to support Timmy’s latest creative burst, but his associated attitude and language is problematic.

I understand Timmy is now spending alternate weeks with his father, your ex-husband, the aspiring rapper “Lay-Z Ded Beet” (as Chloe’s mom calls him). Apparently, his father now addresses him as “Lil Sss-Naughty Knowz” and Timmy ignored me unless I specifically said, “Yo, Lil Sss-Naughty Knowz.” The “Yo” was, in his mind, required.

When I threatened to phone you, he did acknowledge my presence and I consented (merely to encourage his imagination) to refer to him as “Lil Sss-Naughty.”

Lil Sss-Naughty adores the popular Zoe Johnston but sadly the feelings are not reciprocated. At recess yesterday, when he and his buddies should be playing Dancing Dodge Ball with everyone else, they were hiding in the Singing Cedars and, from behind a tree, I heard Lil Sss-Naughty rapping:

Did ya see Zoe over by teacher’s desk?
That girl is hella statuesque

I did a freestyle for her, cause I am fuckin’ linguistic mystic!
But she sneered, said I was narcissistic

I don’t stand a chance with her, it would seem
And will try another day, once I restore my self-esteem

I am confused about this reference to low self-esteem because his self-confidence, within the general population of 4 to 6 year-olds, would rank in the 95th percentile.

Lil Sss-naughty took the gangsta persona to an unacceptable level this morning by intensifying his rivalry with Jayden. Lil Sss-Naughty makes fun of Jayden because his parents require him to wear shorts and a little blue tie with his white pressed shirt. I heard from across the room:

Jayden, you are soooo perfect with knee-highs and necktie
That outfit, I will NOT fuckin’ certify nor dignify

Jayden shouted, “You don’t even know where the front of your hat is!!”

Lil Sss-Naughty then grabbed a Happy-Ukulele from the Merry Music Wall and started to agressively circle Jayden.

As I dragged Lil Sss-Naughty away, he freestyled:

Jayden, you can’t even play a ukelele
But you practice the fuckin’ violin on the daily

I must say, as a teacher (overlooking the f-word for a moment), I see the improvisation of these rhymes as clear evidence of Lil Sss-Naughty’s high intellect and an exceptional artistic gift.

Ms. Wilson, you know of Lil Sss-Naughty’s low-energy and grumpy phase daily around 1:30 in the afternoon. Today at that time, he jumped up on the play-dough table, waved his arms, stomped his feet, and shouted:

Yo, mother-fuckers!
Its mid afternoon, I feel like shit
Everybody fuckin’ chill and rest a bit!

Either that, or give me a hit of crack!
But nap would be better, to get my energy back
Right after milk and snack

This reference to drugs is highly concerning and unacceptable, but there is more.

After nap time we quietly play classic pop music while the children slowly wake up, but Lil Sss-Naughty startled the class with this objectionable use of tone and words:

Don’t impose motherfuckin’ Bowie!
I oppose this shit! Play some Jay-Z!
Or Notorious B.I.G.

I hope you can understand my concerns, and I request a meeting with you and your ex-husband this week. Moreover, I am asking that Lil Sss-Naughty NOT return to kindergarten until he can adhere to these basic rules:

1. No middle-finger signalling to Jayden, any other child, or the teaching staff
2. No obscenities shall be spoken, spelled-out with letter blocks or written in finger paintings
3. No more addressing myself as the “Baumer Babe”

Respectfully yours,

Miss Nussbaumer
Kindergarten for Gifted Children