A Formal Complaint From My Non-Dominant Hand

Lefty’s gotta few things on his mind.

Brian Abbey
Apr 8 · 3 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Image by 유신 김 from Pixabay

Hey boss — It’s me, ya otha hand! Look, we need to clear a few things up, you and me.

First, I get it. We all have our favorites and you chose Righty. I had a 50/50 shot. I’m fine ridin’ the bench when it comes to hand stuff. But, buddy, ya have to give a fella a little warnin’ when ya plan on throwin’ him in the game. And, also, show a little respect, will ya?

That ‘touch the hot pan’ thing last week to see if it was cool enough for Righty to grab? The hell was that, Einstein? I got two blisters! I’ve never had a callous and now I got two friggin’ blisters? I’m not a monkey you launch into space to see what happens. I. Am. Your. Hand.

Also, I enjoy spontaneity as much as any other hand but givin’ me a knife at that fancy restaurant? Bro. Fine, Righty over there didn't have enough room at that sardine can of a table but I wasn't trained for this. There we are in public and ya make me look like a jerk because I can’t cut a steak? Let’s try that move in private before we trot it out in front of ya sister Carol and her big mouth husband Gary. Okay, hotshot?

I know my role, chief. I’m good at catching things and I’m good at blocking things. I’m a stunt hand. Chicks dig it. I’m fine bein’ the set-up guy. Behind every great NFL kicker is a great holder. Sorry, I’m new at these metaphors — but ya hear me. Capiche?

My point is let’s play to our strengths. Last year when ya decided on that teeth brushing experiment — that was fun. For a bit. I like a little variety but dexterity ain’t really my thing. I hold the toothbrush, he squeezes the paste and then we change. Piece of cake. I’m not in this for the glory.

Oh! But I do love drivin’! I’m outside the window, feelin’ the rush of the wind through the hair on my knuckles and Righty’s stuck holding the wheel, heh. Man, I live for that! That’s enough for me so don’t get cute.

By the way, please stop handing me a pen every few months and askin’ what I can do. What can I do? I can throw the pen across the room and tell ya to go screw yahself. That’s what I can do.

Speakin’ of which, I’d prefer to be left out of whateva you and righty got goin’ when ya alone. I don’t judge. Just don’t drag me into it. I want no part of ya love life unless you invite that Lucy gal over. Then it’s all hands on deck. But just you and Righty? Thanks, I’ll pass.

So, we good? I just wanna let ya know a few things that have been on my mind. Let’s keep doin’ what we do and I’ll lend a hand whenever I can.

See? I’m funnier than him too and ya know it!

Thanks for listenin’. Catch ya, later bud.

Catch,’ I kill me!

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Sign up for The Haven's Newsletter

By The Haven

Now with More Nudity and a Patreon! Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Brian Abbey

Written by

writer (hack) entrepreneur (unemployable) expat (immigrant) philosopher (unemployable hack) humorist (who says that?)

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Brian Abbey

Written by

writer (hack) entrepreneur (unemployable) expat (immigrant) philosopher (unemployable hack) humorist (who says that?)

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store