A Groundhog told me not to vote for any Republicans

David Thomas-Jensen
Jun 10 · 5 min read

“It’s against the interest of all living things, especially the ones that breathe, which is almost all of them.” He said.

I was sitting in my Pergola oasis in back of my house, having a smoke when suddenly up came a Groundhog. Not exactly something that normally occurs, so I quietly took out my phone and took his picture before extending an afternoon greeting.

“Good Afternoon Mr. Groundhog.” I said quietly and calmly.

“How the Hell do you know I am a guy? My dick ain’t dragging on the ground is it?” He replied.

It was then that I noticed he had an accent either Boston or some borough of good old NYC. I decided to keep that to myself.

“What can I do for you?” I asked.

“Well, I saw you out here having a moment and I thought I would just pass on some political opinion from the wild kingdom, or what’s left of it, for you to consider.” He stated quite tersely.

“Politics eh? Not a polite conversation then.” I responded wryly.

“Yeah buddy, politics isn’t about polite, and from where I am standing, it isn’t about making things better either. But see me and a lot of the other animals that live around here have come to the conclusion that your choice is quite simple. Don’t vote for Republicans, it’s against your best interest to do so if you happen to breathe.” He stated on his hind legs, arms bent little hand paws as fists against his round midsection.

“Well, you can rest easy old buddy and purveyor of whether or not spring will come early because I don’t think I have voted for one yet.” I stated with conviction taking a sip of my now ‘not hot’ coffee.

“Yeah, well pass it along, because clearly some of your neighbors do, and it's driving us to extinction.” He responded tersely.

“Yeah, well I can tell them, but FYI they aren’t going to listen to me.” I stated frankly

“Yeah, as a rule listening to liberal commies such as yourself is not something I would do either, but you still need to tell them to stop voting for Republicans.” He stated flatly.

“Thanks will do.” I saluted him with two fingers and winked.

“Yeah, you don’t seem to get it, I have talked to the other rodents, the Hawks, Owls, Eagles, even them fucking Coyotes all agree that voting Republican right now, if not always, has been voting against your best interests assuming you are a living breathing anything.” He declared

“You talk with Hawks?” I asked, a bit surprised.

“Yeah sure, why not?”

“Don’t they swoop down and kill your ass and feed you to their young?” I clarified.

“It’s complicated.” He responded.

“Complicated…” I goaded.

“Yeah, they kill the stupid and feed their young with them. Quite frankly if I am stupid, I deserve it. Anyways its an honor to die in service to another’s offspring.” He retorted.

“Okay, I can respect that I guess.” I replied.

“Furthermore, and this is the part as a human you empirically don’t get, if it wasn’t for Hawks eating our stupid, we would overpopulate and wipe out our food supply, destroy our habitat by overrunning it, and then starve to death, smart and stupid alike.” Groundhog continued.

“Okay, I can get my head around that.” I nodded in agreement

“Can you? I mean from where we sit, when your species does something stupid, you get a medal, have three kids and fucking wreck the place in celebration. Like voting for fucking Republicans, because they tell you what your sick ass mind wants to hear, while they fuck you over.” He Snapped back.

“Hey keep it civil, I mean I vote Democrat, always have, Boy Scouts, live and let live, all that shit.” I say a little Defensively.

“Yeah, Democrats, barely any better, from where I sit, it doesn’t look like Democrats could punch their way out of a wet paper bag. Republicans are fucking cage fighters, with a suicide fantasy. If this was a sports match with nothing else at stake I would never bet on a Democrat.” He Retorted in near perfect New Jersey.

I pondered that a bit, and inside I winced, for so many sad terrible reasons he was absolutely right. “Yeah, good point.” I replied quietly.

“Yeah, If it was a title fight, I would be all about Republicans, but it’s not. It’s about fucking survival, of every living creature, not just humans. From a Republican fucked up mindset, some humans. Which is why you have to tell all of your species as often as possible everywhere to stop fucking voting for Republicans, your survival depends on it.” He stuck out a paw accusatorily at me.

“Hey, why don’t you tell them yourself. Like you are telling me right now?” I demand.

“Yeah right, at least with a Hawk my stupidity feeds chicks, Republican voters just get a shotgun and blow me away, put my dead ass in a trashcan or leave me to rot. That my friend is both stupid and a waste.” He retorted.

“So I am supposed to tell all the Humans that I can, even ones who vote and think in a mindset that allows themselves to vote for Republicans, to not vote Republican, because it is a vote against anything that breathes?” I reflect back.

“Yeah, it’s like that tree dude said, the Lorax. You know him?” He asks.

“Yeah, sure we all do.” I reply.

“He put it this way, the trees are telling him that the world is dying, of all that shit that Republican campaign financing backing corporations do. And like his most famous movie, that shit is global and coming to a head now. So do the Planet a big fucking favor and STOP VOTING FOR REPUBLICANS.” He paused looked up as a jet flew by.

“He said that?” I replied.

“Pretty much, Hey I gotta go now, been out in the open too long. Don’t want to be stupid. You, don’t be stupid either.”

“I will try not to.” I said.

“So get the word out, no more voting Republican.” He commented as he sidled past the fence.

“I got it.” I said.

And so now, I am telling you.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

David Thomas-Jensen

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Looking for smart in a world of stupid, grateful for children and love. Will write about almost anything, and occasionally from an informed POV.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk