A Hairpiece Obituary

Don’t send flowers

Mark Tulin
Jun 2 · 2 min read
Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

The salt and pepper hairpiece passed away on May 1, 2021. He died in his sleep inside of a walk-in closet at his Toluca Lake apartments. The wearer woke up that morning only to find his toupee unresponsive to combing and unable to stick to his scalp, no matter how much tape or glue he applied.

For years, the hairpiece was undetectable.

The hairpiece was born in Majorca, Spain, to a family rich in strands of human hair. His life was a collection of brown and gray, integrated and woven into the replacement’s latticework. For years, the hairpiece was undetectable. Seldom did anyone think he was fake or resemble a small animal. The hairpiece had always remained true to its color and rarely faded, even after years of washing.

The hairpiece gave his wearer a strong sense of dignity and confidence necessary to bilk his clients out of money that would otherwise be saved for retirement. Most people believed that the wearer’s hair was real and was blessed with remarkable genes.

The wearer had male pattern baldness and began losing his hair at eighteen. He often went out in public with bad comb-overs or bucket hats. He tried many charlatan remedies for hair loss, like applying horse manure to the scalp twice a day or putting an electromagnetic cap on his head to stimulate follicular growth.

Then one day, the bald man was at his lowest point, ready to jump off a bridge, when a stranger recommended Scuzzy Romano’s Hair Replacement Center. Soon the bald man’s life transformed. Once fitted for a hair replacement, his chrome dome no longer shined but blessed with a youthful peak of luscious hair, capable of being worn in the shower or during typhoons.

Soon the bald man’s life transformed

The deceased left a modest estate, which will all go to the wearer. These items include four packs of two-way hairpiece tape, a bottle of transparent silicone glue, a tube of Scuzzy’s Rug Cleaner, and one Styrofoam head yellowing at the crown.

The wearer will hold a private memorial service at Scuzzy Romano’s Hair Replacement Center for close friends of the follicular challenged. Scuzzy Romano, Cynthia the hairstylist, and Louie the shampoo man will give the eulogy.

Please send all donations to the Thinning Toupee Society and The Cue Ball Foundation.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Mark Tulin

Written by

A California writer whose dreams are more vivid than his waking life. Poetry, Humor, Sexuality, and Short Stories. https://crowonthewire.com

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Mark Tulin

Written by

A California writer whose dreams are more vivid than his waking life. Poetry, Humor, Sexuality, and Short Stories. https://crowonthewire.com

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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