A Letter From a Dog Leaving Home After Discovering Its Owner is Laura Dern
What if you found out Laura Dern owned you?
Dear Ms. Laura Dern,
I’m afraid I’ve been a bad boy. It’s not that I believe I am a bad dog, I am a perfectly average dog. But, that is the problem. I have spent my life believing I was an average dog belonging to an average person. A regular, worthless, human who deserved nothing better than a mutt like me.
Then I found out that I belonged to 3-time Oscar nominee Laura Dern.
That brings me to why I’m writing this letter — to inform you that I will be leaving home for good, completely ashamed of my behavior over the years. I am haunted by the times that I have made a complete fool out of myself In front of mother-to-the-Marsh-family herself, Laura Dern. I NEVER would have refused to take my pills (unless they were wrapped up in a little piece of bread) if I had known you were the woman that played Admiral Holdo in the Last Jedi.
These memories shall keep me up at night. Memories like the time when I returned home after what seemed like an eternity at the kennel (a 3-day weekend), and I immediately peed all over the carpet while making eye contact with you as a way to show my dismay. I need you to know that had I known you were most likely away filming some piece of American history like Jurassic Park, I never would have done that (again, I thought you were just like everybody else, and the average person probably deserves a little pee on their carpet).
I just can’t believe this whole time I’ve been behaving like… like some animal. All of us dogs are owned by these giants that walk around on two feet — so how could I have possibly known that my giant was famous amongst giants? That my giant was an icon, a thought leader, a recurring voice actor on F is for Family.
I wonder now if there were any roles you might have been forced to turn down due to your desire to be at home with me. That’s the only possible explanation I can think of for you not being the new young Aunt May, because when I think beautiful and maternal, I think Laura Dern. I mean let’s face it, you could have been Pepper Potts, or Black Widow, or even Spider-Man himself because YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU’RE LAURA DERN — I’m sorry, I have a bad habit of talking in circles. Chasing my own tail, if you will.
Please do not worry about my wellbeing while I’m away. I could not live with myself if the stress of me being gone causes any of your future roles to suffer — in fact, please channel all of the pain you’re feeling right now into a prestigious drama where you play the mother of a boy who is into drugs, and you would like him to do less drugs. Know that I will be living a perfectly content life surviving off of selling Laura Dern memorabilia (that, I, uh found online).
Sincerely,
Your Dog
PS: The Cat has decided to stay at home. He said that he has always been more of a Gwyneth Paltrow fan, so this revelation changes nothing for him.
