A Letter From Elon Musk Addressing His Appearance on Saturday Night Live
“Mr Musk’s tweets in recent months have helped to turn the once-obscure digital currency, which was started as a social media joke, into the world’s fourth-biggest cryptocurrency.” — BBC, 05/10/2021
Dear stakeholders at Tesla and SpaceX,
You may have seen my appearance on the latest episode of Saturday Night Live. It was a childhood dream to host the show — it’s the greatest in the history of American television, after all. Only the oil-hoarding critics will claim that my judgement is flawed on this matter. Unless you’ve ever seen The Sopranos, John Oliver, or my Twitter feed.
I’m sure you were on the edge of your seats the entire time. If I’m being honest, I was just as apprehensive as my fans about the delivery of my punchlines. I’ve had a murky past with hype, but it all went down pretty well in the end.
Some of my followers have also been on the edge of their seats for the wrong reasons. They’ve texted me about how the value of Dogecoin is falling off a cliff after I called it a ‘hustle’. I would like to take a moment to assure all these people by reiterating my belief — cryptocurrency might be the future, but it’s still kinda overrated. I’m sure this view is perfectly compatible with the fact that my company will now accept the volatile meme-cum-cryptocurrency as a mode of payment at SpaceX.
Much has been said about the weird things I put into space, including a car my own company made. I’ve heard some suit-wearing executives call this move ego-massaging. I just call it rad.
So, I thought to myself, what could be radder than contributing to an imminent catastrophe arising from the volume of space debris in Earth’s orbit? Putting a literal meme on the moon, of course. Some people say I hide behind my swagger and my hype to infuse the worst virtues of postmodern capitalism into my work ethics. To them, I say — you’re just jealous that you’re not the one who got fired from the chairman’s position at his own company on charges of fraud.
To put the minds of my investors (and my garage-inhabiting Twitter followers) at ease, let me share some more exciting developments from the Wonderful World That Is My Mind. I can neither confirm nor deny how high if I was high while coming up with these names, but here is a lowdown of my plans –
- As announced earlier, we will be launching DOGE-1 in space by next year. Concurrently, we’ve been developing an array of projects along the same lines. Yes, it’s almost genius the way I’m using investors’ money to launch memes into space. Some of the other rocket names we’ve settled on are DOGE-2, DOGE-3, DOGE-4 … You get the idea, right?
- We’re accepting payments in Bitcoin for those who want to buy Tesla cars. At this point of time, I’ll do anything to preserve the bubble which has propelled me to becoming one of the richest men in the world.
- I’m also planning to start a boxing championship where the world’s richest billionaires slug it out in the ring to determine who’s better at taking out the opposition. All of us operate in near monopolies, so it’s going to be a close call. They’re going to be closed cage matches, too.
For individuals who are considered to be ultra rich purely based on their superior work ethics, we surely do seem to have a lot of spare time on our hands. Ever since Jeff of the Kingdom Bezos stepped back from his duties at Amazon, he has wanted in on this project as well. He wants to take up the moniker of “Union Buster” — I’ve had to convince him that cannot be taken, because deep in our hearts, all of us are union busters.
On the other hand, you’d think Bill Gates is neither is the shape nor in the right frame of mind to take part in such an event, but he isn’t taking his divorce too well. He says he wants to take part. And his killer move is going to philanthropy. He’ll knock the opposition on their feet, exploit their weaknesses, win the competition, and then finish them off by rubbing the cure to malaria on their faces.
I invited Jack Ma as well — he seems like the fun Asian dude who can fulfil our diversity and quirkiness quotas at once. But he’s been on his best behavior for some time now, after everything that happened between him and the Chinese government. I can’t imagine how that must be, having the net worth of a billionaire yet not having the final say in the public policy of your government!
But if I’m being honest with you, I can’t wait for Mark Zuckerberg to win his opening bout against Tim Cook. If the latter wins, you’ll never even get to see the match — he’s too finicky about privacy. But if Mark wins, oh yes, the highlights of Billionaires Busting Balls is going to come up on your social media feeds for the rest of eternity. A match for the ages, eh.
Space exploration and electric cars are the tomorrow. But a word of advice to potential investors at the Musk Production House For Candles and Television — I’ve found that it’s smarter to live in the today. Billionaire cage fighting is going to be the biggest thing in American television history. Even bigger than the SNL, I tell you!
Now, this project might never live up to the expectations I’m injecting into the public’s mind, but I’m going to be a trillionaire by the time we go into post-production. I want M. Night Shyamalan to direct these specials — he’s got a thing for being just as ridiculous as me, I’ve heard. We’re going to vibe on a spiritual level. As long as he’s into marijuana and accepts payments made in Dogecoin.
Being a dank billionaire is a hustle, I tell you. And aren’t I the most billionairey billionaire of them all?
Yours sincerely,
Elon Musk
