A Letter to Our Fans from the Commissioner of Baseball & His Billionaire Owners
Greetings Baseball Consumers –
As Major League Baseball Commissioner, I have the great honor of being the caretaker of America’s pastime and protector of the billionaires who own MLB’s 30 franchises — sometimes even in that order.
Like you, I have seen the mostly positive coverage the National Football League received for scrapping its annual Pro Bowl this past weekend and replacing it with activities like flag football, best catch and a relay race. Well, today I am pleased to announce that MLB’s 2023 All-Star Game will also change its traditional format but, unlike football, ours will feature players competing in a series of super-fun, skills competitions and games that everybody loves!
If MLB’s C-suite and roster of tycoon owners is known for any one thing, it is a keen sense of what the average Joe, Josephine, Jose and Josefina want and what better way to enjoy our annual mid-summer hiatus, other than perhaps sailing the BVIs, than playing games that everyday normals and my billionaires alike might enjoy at their very own estates and compounds?
The activities will still take place in Seattle as planned but, in place of the usual baseball game pitting players from the American and National Leagues, there will now be a series of new funtastic and super-relatable competitions including:
· Polo
o Each league’s captain shall appoint four equestrians who will then compete in four chukkas of seven minutes each to determine a winning side. To avoid confusion and to make the game as familiar to the masses as possible, standard U.S. Polo Association rules will be followed
· Mascot Jousting
o Why leave the horseplay to the professionals? Team mascots will climb aboard their trusty steeds and charge towards each other brandishing a special-edition All-Star Louisville Slugger. Just how crazy is that Philly Phanatic? Can Mr. Met possibly stay in the saddle with that giant baseball head of his? Tune in and find out! (Note: Bats will be auctioned off for charity after double elimination bracket play determines our champion).
· Human Chess
o A blind draw will determine which all-stars will control the pieces on a 100-yard-by-100-yard chessboard made up of just happy-to-be-there minor leaguers (note: this event replaces the “Future’s Game” on the schedule). A special thanks to former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz for allowing MLB use of his personal, backyard human chess board and costumes.
· Baccarat
o Because there is always time for a classy casino game.
· Wine Tasting
o Blindfolded representatives from each league will sample some of the finest wines bottled right here in America, all from vineyards that just so happen to be part of several owners’ portfolios! Naturally, points will be awarded for correctly identifying the appearance, bouquet, mouth feel and finish for each selection.
· Antiquing
o With the blow of a bugle, all-stars will disperse across the greater Seattle region in search of the best “bang for the buck” antique they can find! After seven hours of sifting through piles in backrooms hazy with Pacific Northwest dust, our heroes will present their findings to our superstar panel of celebrity judges including none other than Lloyd’s of London COO Jennifer Rigby and Sotheby’s General Counsel Marco DeSanto! Viewers will watch transfixed as our panel appraises each piece and declares both an individual and overall team victor.
· Big Game Hunt
o Tentative (pending approvals): details TBD
· Boar on the Floor
o A “Super Fan” from each franchise will compete as the “boars” during an owner’s Seattle-themed “From Grunge to Gourmet” banquet held atop the world-famous Space Needle.
And while the NFL had Snoop Dog and Pete Davidson as celebrity captains, I am thrilled to share with you the fans the thrilling news that that former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer and host of CNBC’s Mad Money Jim Cramer will serve as honorary captains of the American and National Leagues respectively.
It’s literally the least we can do for you, the fans of America’s pastime! Now, who’s ready to get jiggy with it in Seattle this July?
Play Ball,
Rob Manfred
Commissioner, MLB
