A Memo to the Galactic Empire’s HR Department
To: The Galactic Empire’s HR Department
From: Stormtrooper #147628
Re: Dress Code
Dear HR Department,
I know that complaints are not taken kindly by the Galactic Empire, but I am at the point where I feel I must say something regarding the dress code for Stormtroopers aboard the Death Star and in other employ of the Empire. I really do love working for the Empire — the benefits are unbelievable and the salary is highly competitive — but the uniforms are really a problem, particularly for your female employees.
It is highly unfair that only Darth Vader can wear black and that the rest of us must wear white. I understand he is a devoted member of the senior management team, but let me explain.
White becomes soiled very easily, especially when one is blasting one’s enemies all the time. The blood of our enemies gets on our uniforms a lot. And guess what else? A significant portion of your stormtroopers are female these days. Do you think we enjoy having to wear white pants all month long? We do not. White is not a forgiving color like black, either. The black outfit and the black cape make Darth look about 10 pounds lighter than he really is — but the rest of us do not have that option on days when we’re feeling bloated.
A lot of stormtroopers have yellow perspiration marks on their uniforms in the armpit areas, have you ever noticed that? It gets really hot in the uniforms — they are not made of breathable material. So the uniforms are regularly soiled with blood, perspiration, and dirt, and they are not machine washable — yet there is no on-site dry cleaning on board the Death Star. I think you should consider adding this in the future. We work long hours and spend a lot of time in space, with no convenient dry cleaning options nearby.
It’s also extremely difficult to use the bathroom in these uniforms. Again, it is easier for the men to do so, but if you want to continue to mentor your female employees and have more women at the highest levels of the Empire, these are the kinds of issues you need to consider. While we’re on this subject, the entire crotch area of the stormtrooper uniform looks like it was designed to only house male genitalia. Do you know how this makes us female employees feel every day?
Let me also bring up something else. I’m a working mom, ok? Have you ever tried to pump breast milk in one of these uniforms? It is darn near impossible. I appreciate the Death Star’s lactation rooms. Darth Vader’s commitment to family is outstanding, given that he feels like his issues with his own son and daughter might have been prevented if he’d had a better work-life balance earlier in his own career. But the stormtrooper uniforms really need to do a much better job of allowing for pumping while on the job.
The uniforms also, surprisingly, really don’t offer much protection against blasters. I really think this feature needs to be improved since, during orientation, you tell us it’s one of the primary functions of the uniforms and the main reason we have to wear it. Plus, let’s not forget how easy it is for imposters to disarm us and masquerade as one of us by wearing our uniforms. I know you don’t like to be reminded of this, but I feel like it has never been properly addressed by management.
I’d also love the chance to mix up my footwear every now and again. Are closed-toe shoes really necessary year round? We’re not working in a lab here. I’d love to wear sandals in the summer. Boots in August? Please. I also feel a little bit like a go-go dancer who’s just finished my shift when I’m wearing those white boots.
And would it really kill you to let us have casual Fridays? Can’t we wear jeans just one day a week? I think it would really help with employee morale. I know everyone in my sector feels the same way.
Also, thematically speaking, white is usually the uniform of the “good guys.” I know that the Galactic Empire trains us that we’re not “bad” per se, but we’re not very “on brand” with the white uniforms. Surely I’m not the first person to bring this up, but I thought it might bear repeating.
Thank you for hearing my concerns regarding stormtrooper uniforms. I hope Darth Vader doesn’t decide to do that thing where he chokes me using the Force because I brought up these issues.
