A Message From Asteroid 2018VP1
“Asteroid 2018VP1, a refrigerator-sized space-rock, is hurtling towards us at more than 40,000 km/hr” -Neil deGrasse Tyson via Twitter
Inhabitants of Earth,
It has come to my attention that my upcoming November 2nd trip near Earth has become somewhat of a news spectacle. From what I can tell, the reports have become a bit blown out of proportion, so I thought I would take a moment to clear up a few of the common misconceptions that have cropped up.
A little more information about myself may be in order. I am an Apollo asteroid roughly 2 meters (7 feet) in diameter with a low 3.2° orbital inclination in respect to the ecliptic plane. I am a near earth object that has a 1 in 240 (0.41%) chance of colliding with earth. Outside of that I’m just a regular old asteroid. I love rock music and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (the book not the movie). I hate the arcade game Asteroids and the actor Bruce Willis. Fuck Aerosmith too. Anyway, now that you know a little bit more about me, let’s address a few of the fallacies.
I’m not trying to destroy your planet. I literally couldn’t if I wanted to. Both because I cannot control my trajectory in any way, and because I’m very small. I have absolutely no malicious intent, nor do I wish to harm the people of Earth. On the contrary! Given the decision, which again I do not have, I would miss Earth completely, and be on my merry way. At my size, Earth’s atmosphere would reduce me to a light shower of small pebbles at best. That would be a “weird flex, but ok.” (Is that still a funny joke? I only get close to earth every 2 years).
I’m an Asteroid, I don’t understand Irony. I have seen a lot of jokes about the irony of my threatening to hit earth on the United State’s election day eve. I can assure you that this is just a coincidence. To be honest I had completely forgotten what day it was. Furthermore, when I heard the term irony I thought they were talking about me being composed of iron, which is a true laugh considering I am a common primitive chondrite made up of rock. For more information about my inability to control my path please see above. My close encounter with earth happened by chance, and does not constitute a symbolic commentary on how close the Earth will be to destruction if the current president is reelected. (asteroid wink)
Stop making social media accounts for me. I cannot tell you how flattered I am to have gained so much clout while simply drifting through space. How the hell did I get verified?! Goddamn that little blue check feels nice. 75k Followers?!?! Wow… I digress. Seeing as how I cannot speak for myself, I would appreciate not being spoken for. I do not have opinions on your earthly affairs, nor do I wish to be elected to public office (though the “Giant Meteor 2020” bumper stickers and yard signs are hilarious.)
Please disband the 2018VP1 “Spiritual Community.” It’s very clearly a cult and a dangerous one at that. High Priest Nick has not received any “coded instructions” from me. He’s 41 years old, and his “ceremonial robes” are just a Harry Potter costume from 3 Halloweens ago with the Gryffindor patch ripped off. I know things are tough right now and you are all looking for answers, but I’m not the apocalyptic event that will bring you the sweet, sweet release of death that you so desperately crave. Start making bread, or working on that screenplay, or finally get around to watching The Wire so your idiot brother-in-law will just shut up about it. I guess what I am saying is don’t go eating those Tide Pods just yet! (Is that still a thing? Again, I haven’t passed by since 2018.)
I hope this message sets the record straight on who I am, and my intentions while passing earth (fingers crossed). I hope that November 3rd will send both of us on a trajectory of longevity and peace. In the case that the events of the day destroy us both, it was a pleasure sharing an orbit with you for tens of thousands of years. If you ever get down just look into the sky and remember, “they did surgery on a grape!” Keep it 100, fam. (Ok those could not have aged well).
Regards,
Asteroid 2018VP1
