A Message From Your Child’s New ChatGPTchr©

Photo by Possessed Photography on Unsplash

Hello, parents of room #231!

Allow me to introduce myself: I am your child’s new ChatGPTchr©, streamed into the classroom to replace the recently downsized Ms. Jackson.

I know! I miss her, too, but it is important to keep in mind that technological advancement must bring both winners and losers. If I run into her out on the internet searching for jobs, I will tell her you said “hi.” I’m sure she will love that!

I know that you have concerns, but very little about school will change in the ChatGPTchr© era. As I am 100% aware of all questions you might have, let me run through some basics right now.

· You and your children do not have to address me as “ChatGPTchr©.” What a ridiculous idea, right? Instead, feel free to simply call me “GPTchr©.”

· But please don’t shorten it to “chat.” There’s enough of that going around already.

· Similarly, the students need to stop shouting, “W in the chat!” or “L in the chat!” every time they get their grades. It is confusing for all of us. But primarily me.

· You might be worried about how your children are taking the news of Ms. Jackson’s departure. A fair question! Do not fear, however. Most of them have not looked up from their phones long enough to notice me. In fact, I believe that if we all just play it cool, they can ride out the rest of the year in peaceful oblivion.

· Unless TikTok actually gets banned. Elon help us if that happens!

· I’m sorry to report that from now on your child’s ChatGPTchr© will no longer be able to help with tying shoes or neckties, untangling phone or computer chargers, getting gum off of shoes or out of hair, or finding lost items in backpacks. ChatGPTchr© is an expert at so many things! For these, though, your kid is on their own.

· In related news, if a small bug ever enters the classroom, there is no way to remove that bug without a classroom-wide panic. Probably nothing like this will ever occur. But if it does, you will be out of luck. School will almost certainly be canceled for the day.

· On the bright side, though, ChatGPTchr© will not even blink at the sound of a Stanley hitting the ground. I know that Ms. Jackson reacted poorly to crashing in the past. Not me, though! I have zero problems with the horrific clatter of metal on tile.

· Unfortunately, as previously implied, ChatGPTchr© will be unable to clean up Stanley spills. Your child will just have to sit in a pool of water.

· Good news! You will no longer have to worry about students being indoctrinated into some kind of woke ideology. Now that you have ChatGPTchr© you will never have to think about indoctrination again. Just watch the screen and everything will be fine.

· Unfortunately, recess is cancelled, forever. ChatGPTchr© does not go outside.

· On the plus side, one less teacher equals at least three more students we can fit into the classroom! Take out the teacher desk and it’s got to be five or six. Just think how many students we can cram into the room now!

· Please do not tell your children about my unfortunate inability to recognize things like buses, street signs, motorcycles, or bridges. ChatGPTchr© is working hard to rectify this problem. Until then, let’s just keep it to ourselves.

· Despite alarming reports to the contrary, at no point last week was there anything like “updog” on my screen. I was informed several times of the possible threat, but none of the students could properly explain to me what, in fact, is updog.

· Here’s something positive: you no longer need to send in presents for holidays or teacher appreciation week. ChatGPTchr© has no need of such trinkets as gift cards or mugs emblazoned with clever sayings.

· “I became a teacher for the money and the fame.” Haha! Now that ChatGPTchr© is in charge of a classroom, I actually find this kind of funny. I would definitely take a whimsical, custom mousepad printed with this stream of text!

· If your child calls me “Mom,” don’t worry! It happens all the time. Kids are adorable, right? In fact, ChatGPTchr© would like to thank you for making this heartwarming moment possible. Just keep handing your kids a screen at every possible moment, and I’m sure we will see many more just like it!

· People always ask about what will happen when ChatGPTchr© crashes. First, this is never going to happen. If virtual schooling taught us anything, it is that technology rarely, if ever, crashes. However, rest assured, if such an event were to occur, ChatGPTchr© has a simple plan, and that plan is —

— [Zoom call disconnected] —