A Mindfulness Practice as Dictated by the Authoritarian Regime

Sit down with your back straight. A cushion is unnecessary. Besides, all material comforts have been confiscated in the name of the Supreme One. So sit on the cold, bare concrete floor.

Feel the touch of your body at the point of contact. Use the tactile feedback of your malnourished frame against cement to stay present.

Rest your hands on your knees. Place them face down, so it’s clear you’re not asking for a handout. Now sitting up straight, feel your head on the top of your neck. Note a moment of gratefulness that it is still there.

Here you can close your eyes or keep them open. Closed is preferable so you don’t see the armed militias storming your home. Remember, they are figments of your imagination. And who needs a home, anyway?

Check in with how you feel, being curious and open to what you may find, even if it’s anxiety and a sense of helplessness as the world descends into what you think is despotism, mass chaos, and slumber parties with Kim Jong Il. It’s really the Supreme Leader giving government back to the people. The people who praise him.

Get a sense of what you’re bringing to this meditation — exhaustion, terror, an increasing inability to differentiate between the truth and what you see from your eyeholes. The things you’re reading about — like the military occupation of the New York Times — those are not real.

Take a few deep breaths, and relax the muscles of your face and jaw, shoulders, and stomach muscles. Let go of all the tension in your body. Why resist? Calling your elected representatives is for snowflake losers.

Now bring your attention back to your breath. Notice where you feel it most. Allow it to be natural as it goes in and out. As natural as it can be, since you just saw on the news that cancer patients are in the streets protesting the loss of their health benefits. But do you believe that story? Not with the dishonest media. The only truly unbiased news is tweeted in the earliest morning hours by the Supreme One.

Choose to be here in this moment with whatever is going on. The screams of your undocumented neighbors being raided next door may enter your consciousness. Just note them and let them pass, like a flooffy little cloud in the sky.

Any time your mind wanders or you’re tempted to think, “HOLY FUCKING HELL, HOW IS THIS MAN OUR PRESIDENT?” note it as “crazy thinking.” Just a thought. A wrong one. He’s not our president. He’s our king. Let the thought pass.

Become aware of the tone of your labeling. If your thought is harsh or judgmental, replace it with healthier, right-er thoughts that are friendly and worshipful of the Supreme Leader King. Otherwise, you’ll be sent to a labor camp in Idaho. Instead try, “He is a popular man of action. So very very popular. Women say he’s an Adonis.” Pick whatever better-er thought you like. Get creative with it! Just remember your emotions are out of line, none of this is happening. You’re paranoid. Perhaps even… mentally unstable.

Be fully present with the breath as it goes in and present as it goes out. The moment that you realize your mind has wandered to the commencement of our 37th war this year — this one with Switzerland — just bring your attention back, and with a friendly tone, note it as, “that craziness in your brain.” Return back to the breath on a relaxing exhale. Calm your mind. Those checks and balances you studied in school were fictions perpetrated by the Illuminati who were equipped with a time machine.

Feel your breath as it goes in and goes out, allowing thoughts and feelings to come and go as you recall reading that the terrorist watch list has dropped all white supremacist groups. That’s fake news. Notice your breath again. See? It’s caught in your chest. Thinking about current events is just so toxic! Best not to think at all.

When you are ready, allow your attention to come back to the feeling of your protruding bones on the touch of your seat and note that you will not be fed until you calm down and accept this is normal.

Now open your eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out, and check your phone. Read the headline, “Cancer patients march in thanks for the termination of their health insurance and the hastening of death.” Blink. Blink. Just a thought. Repeat this affirmation: “It doesn’t look like anything to me.” Good. Breath out. You are calm. You are collected. You have no control. It’s time for your daily smoothie ration. The militia will transport you to holding shortly.

Erica Lies is a writer and comedian in Austin, TX. You can read more of her writing by googling her, but good luck with that. Her last name is a verb.