A Note about Dinner Written in the Form of a Democratic Fundraising Appeal
Friends, this is huge. I just got the news, and I had to share it with you right away. We’re going to make a decision about dinner in the next five minutes and it’s down to two choices — pizza or couscous.
That’s right, we only have five minutes left, and I need your support. I know you care about pizza and you’ll join me in the family vote.
The couscous and aubergine team, led by your mother, is working hard right now, trying to win this dinner for their side. I see your mother right this second talking to her sister on the phone while leafing through a cookbook. She’s about to invite your cousins over and you know they’re both vegan. They are sure couscous voters. She’ll stop at nothing. We can’t let them win.
I need you on my team. We’re so close to getting pizza, but if your chores aren’t done before the next deadline, you won’t get to vote. Your mother will start boiling water and dressing the eggplant. So I must make an urgent ask of you. Please come downstairs right now and empty the trash bin.
Don’t hesitate. Take a stand with me for pizza.
We’ve been through so much together to get to this point. We can’t falter now. Remember when I asked you if you had any homework, and you said, “Nah.” But I checked Google Classroom and found the assignments and told you you had to do them or lose your phone. The pundits and prognosticators thought there was no chance we’d come back from that. But here we are, defying them all! Remember in the first debate when your mother said pizza wasn’t very healthy, but I committed to getting a salad, too. I had your back then. I’ll always have your back. Don’t throw away all our history when we are so close to the finish line.
Friends, there’s no question that this is the most important meal decision of our lifetimes. We’ve won battles before (and lost a few), but there’s no denying that couscous just isn’t that filling. If the other side wins, the consequences will be horrendous and long-lasting. In all probability, I’ll get hungry again before bed and eat a snack of chips or cheese and crackers, and then I won’t sleep well due to the churning in my digestive system. In fact, if the other side gets their way, I’m almost certain to suffer constipation tomorrow due to the late snacking.
I’m sorry to be so blunt with you, friends, but I will always level with you about what is right for this family.
Our opponents are actively pro-constipation. That’s what this decision is really about.
You have to think about the consequences of the decision you are making right now. You don’t want to wake up tomorrow with a ghostly hunger in your belly and then find that your father is occupying the bathroom, rocking back and forth, trying to move his poor, disturbed bowels. You don’t want to find yourself forced to choose between getting to brush your teeth and being late for school tomorrow. That is not a world you want to live in.
So, again, I ask you to join me and fight for our shared future. Take out the garbage and then join us to vote for pizza!
Failure to act now could lead to a dinner of tasteless beads and soggy vegetables and all the ramifications of such a meal. I’m sounding the alarm. This is the big one. We can’t afford to have a single member of this family sit this out. I’m counting on you.
