LET’S CAST THIS POD!
A Podcaster’s Shanty
Where ASMR stands for Avenging Sound More Regularly
“Yo, Dennis!” exclaimed Ben as he burst into the room.
“What it do, nephew?” replied Dennis excitedly.
“I need help developing an idea for a podcast, that we’re going to host together,” answered an enthused Ben.
“Why?” asked Dennis in an unenthused tone.
“Everybody’s got a podcast these days! Why the hell not?!” retorted Ben.
“Can’t argue with that logic…” said Dennis shifting his attitude, “Do you know what you want it to be about?”
“Nope,” said Ben bluntly.
“Do you have a title or any loose ideas?” asked Dennis.
“Nope,” repeated Ben.
“Okay, how about this: we rent a boat, just whatever boat we can get our hands on, we sail out with our mics and just have a conversation with the ambient sounds of the water cascading through our conversation and into the ear holes of our listeners. We could call it Two Nautical Boys on a Boat Having a Conversation in the Middle of God Knows Where in Your Earholes, and our intro could be the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song but reversed so we avoid copyright issues. I think we should also tour strictly gulfs just to set the standard for a season’s worth of episodes set on the water,” monologued Dennis.
“You brilliant man, I’m in!” exclaimed Ben.
“Wait, where will we get a boat?” pondered Dennis.
“Doesn’t your mom own a wharf or something?” shot back Ben.
“Oh yeah, you’re right, let’s go,” realized Dennis before leaving with Ben.
Dennis and Ben go down to the coast where Dennis’ mom lives, and they barter with her for a solid five hours to get them access to her inflated garage of boats. They choose a canoe, get their podcasting equipment set up, and off they go.
“Hey, before we record, I was thinking that to streamline our intro we just fuse our names,” suggests Ben.
“Uh, okay whatever,” obliges Dennis as he hits record.
“Hey, everyone it’s Bennis here, we’re on a boat, Lonely Island style, and we’re having a good old-fashioned conversation today. How are you, Dennis? What’s your favourite thing that you’ve ever had to eat?” said Ben.
“Uh, I’m good. You phrased that question as if you’re wondering what my favourite force-fed food is, and hand to God, it would probably be marshmallows,” replied Dennis.
“Interesting! Tell me why!” said an excited Ben who nearly shouted his response.
“Well, when I was about five or six, my mom would train me for professional food-eating competitions, and I had just started to realize that I had this ability to unhinge my jaw so I could fit more food in my mouth. The softer the food is, the better I could fit a certain food in my mouth. So my mom had this brilliant idea to stuff my face with marshmallows to train me for that specific competition, and I probably gained a solid fifteen to twenty pounds as a result of it,” explained Dennis.
“What’s the most amount of marshmallows that you’ve fit in your mouth at once?” Ben probed further.
“Forty-five regulation-sized marshmallows,” replied Dennis.
“Damn, that’s so many marshmallows! Did you ever choke?” followed up Ben.
“Am I sitting right in front of you? Of course, I didn’t choke. If I choked, I’d be as good as dead,” said Dennis.
“Wow, your mom sounds like she has super high standards,” replied Ben.
“I actually meant that I’d never physically be choking because that would cause death, but you aren’t wrong. You were there when we bartered for the right to use the boat we’re in,” continued Dennis.
“Yeah, you’re mom’s a menace to society,” agreed Ben.
“Speaking of being a menace to society, I’ve got a question for you,” segued Dennis.
“Fire away, my brother,” responds Ben.
“Do you have any conspiracy theories?” queries Dennis.
“I do. So we’re here out in the Gulf of Aqaba, and the reason why I wanted to start here was because I heard these insane rumours about the sharks that reside in these waters,” explained Ben.
“Wait, there are sharks here?” nervously interjected Dennis.
“Yeah, dude! My theory is that radioactive waste from outer space hit this specific gulf, and affected only a specific species as if it were some comic book origin,” rambled Ben as Dennis anxiously scoured the perimeter of their boat.
An eerie silence consumes the moment, and it is abruptly interrupted by an enormous radioactive shark, effectively snapping the canoe in half, biting both Ben and Dennis, and ending what would’ve been their first and only episode of their podcast.
The above events and dialogue were stenographed to document the existence of radioactive sharks in the Gulf of Aqaba. The rare and fictional species has been rumoured to give powers to its victims, yet their presence is something that marine biologists could not capture for further research until these events took place. Dennis Gilpin’s interaction with the radioactive shark turned him into New Jersey’s Shark-Man. He is half-man, half-shark and fights crime in The Garden State. With great shark, comes great sharktitude. Ben Jerrman only suffered from a minor radioactive shark bite and only has uncontrollable urges to consume copious amounts of seafood. Scientists continue to research these anomalies.
