A Record Number of Republicans are Undergoing Surgery to Avoid Eye Contact with Mitch McConnell
Though they Claim it’s just a Routine Procedure
After news broke that John McCain would be staying home to rest after an operation to remove a blood clot, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was forced to delay the Republican Healthcare vote yet again.
Republicans were shocked by the news. Kevin McCarthy of California, visibly distraught, was spotted outside the Capitol building with shoulders stooped, quietly sobbing into a paperback copy of Atlas Shrugged. Composing himself for just a moment, he said he was “Sickened by the thought of millions of Americans continuing to have health coverage throughout the week,” though he remained “hopeful that John will have a speedy recovery so other Americans won’t have to.”
But as the day wore on, a number of Republicans revealed in closed-door meetings that the wily maverick from Arizona didn’t really need the operation, but preferred going under the knife to spending even one more minute with Senate Majority Leader and neck-scrotum transplant recipient, Mitch McConnell.
It didn’t take long for others to catch on to the senior Senator’s shenanigans. Within the hour Senators Collins, Paul, Portman and Murkowski had all scheduled various surgeries ranging from completely elective to ill-advised. By Monday, over 25 Republican Senators had scheduled immediate medical procedures to avoid any chance of direct eye contact with McConnell, shuttering any Republican hopes for a repeal and replace of Obamacare in the near term.
Even party stalwart John Cornyn, suffering from what his office called “body aches,” appears to have checked into a Thai hospital where a team of freshly shaved young boys will soothe him to the rhythmic stylings of Bruno Mars. When called for comment, the Senator did not respond, although our office later received a fax with the dark silhouette of what appeared to be the pasty, aging meat flaps of a geriatric legislator.
“I would willingly contract syphilis if it would get me away from Mitch for even twenty minutes,” said another Republican Senator speaking on condition of anonymity. After being hit with a moderate dose of morphine, he continued: “You know, I actually agree with Mitch. Poor people should die. But there’s just something about his stupid face that’s so punchable, you know?”
This set off a fierce debate between other Republicans over whether McConnell was really more punchable or slap-able, given the malodorous jowly nature of what medical professionals refer to as his “face.”
According to experts, McConnell’s dewlap, or neck wattle, is a vestige of evolutionary adaptation from an era when giant sea turtles roamed the halls of Congress undulating their neck flaps to demonstrate a readiness to be “mounted” by well-funded lobbyists.
When reached for comment Senator McConnell produced an obnoxious shit eating grin with the confidence of a man who knows every meal he’s ever eaten was defecated in by the wait staff.