A Recovered Alcoholic On Non-Alcoholic Beer
A poem — technically — in the same way non-alcoholic beer is “technically” beer.
Hey, what’s non-alcoholic beer like?
Good question.
It’s kind of like dating a man — who’s really just tall 12 year old in a man costume.
Or, it’s kind of like doing an all nighter on an assignment — that’s only for participation marks.
Or imagine if you watched a three hour long film — and it had no climax.
Or imagine doing you know what — but there’s no climax.
Actually, it’s more like scratching a really bad itch — but with a elbow instead of your fingernails.
It’s also kind of like sitting in a really fast car — that’s on display in a museum.
Or imagine stroking your favourite cat — after it’s been taxidermied.
Ooh, I know, imagine if quiet was a taste — it’s like that.
Or imagine if someone gave you a winning lottery ticket — but all you won was another lottery ticket — and then that one lost.
Or imagine going to a party and hearing a celebrity is coming — but Lindsey Graham shows up.
Imagine going to see the Blue Man Group — the day they run out of paint.
Or imagine a fake Gucci handbag — but not a good fake — like, it says, “Goochie”.
It kind of feels like trying to get high on mushrooms — porcini mushrooms.
Basically, imagine literally anything that needs batteries — but without the batteries.
So, why do you drink it?
Wait. I’m not done yet.
It’s just like regular beer — but endorsed by Mormons.
It’s also kind of like Mormonism — but without Jesus.
It’s also kind of like Jesus — if his dad was Joseph.
I know! Imagine if Mitt Romney was a drink.
Or imagine winning a weekend getaway to Paris — Paris, Utah.
Or it’s kind of like if you adopted a child — but it turned out to be a short adult man in a onesie — OK, it’s not like that — nothing’s like that.
Alright, I get it. Then why do you drink it?
Do you drink decaf coffee?
Sometimes.
Then shut the fuck up.
But actually, good question. Why do I drink it?
It just reminds me of real beer.
And how I can’t have it.
Like an AA meeting in a can.
Maybe I’ll order a Diet Coke on my next date.
Then I‘ll actually look like a boy in a man costume.
