Donald Trump Jr.’s Favorite Excuses

Despite whatever it looks like, Donald Trump’s eldest son has never done anything wrong and it’s all just a big misunderstanding.

I didn’t cheat on you, honey. Yes, I know she Tinder messaged me “Netflix and Chill?” but when I went over all she wanted to do was catch up on House of Cards. I think she just wanted my Netflix password? She wouldn’t even look at Don Junior Jr., and believe me I was showing him off. Complete waste of time. NOTHING BURGER.

Bank Fraud? Jeez what a bunch of witch hunters grasping at witch straws. Sure, I put some alternative facts on that loan application, but the bank only gave me like $5 million, which is barely enough to buy a suit made of solid gold, so how can that even count as fraud? Plus they said I have to pay it back anyway. NADA TACO.

I was certainly not buying cocaine, officer. I mean okay, the Colombian drug mule sold me a half-kilo of white powder, but it turned out to be literal snow and it melted like right away. I should’ve known something was up considering he had long ears and four legs was an actual donkey. You know I’m not even sure that guy was Colombian. ZILCH HOT DOG.

You say treason, I say have you ever actually tried treason? Because it’s hard. One thing I learned is just because someone says she’s with the Russian government, doesn’t mean she can help you treason. When you’re rich and famous and powerful like us Trumps, people try to take advantage by pretending they can help you betray your country. Anyway, I got tricked and totally failed to sell out America. DIDDLY-SQUAT HOAGIE.

Okay, a lot of people are saying I poisoned a guy. Let me be absolutely clear: I did put toxic chemicals in his coffee but he did NOT get radiation like the Russian lady promised. It turns out despite the fancy science name, sodium chloride is not actually very poisonous to humans. I’m starting to think it wasn’t even invented by top Russian scientists? Anyway, you can all calm down. That tourist who called the Trump Taco Bowl “below average” is fine, okay? PLEASE LOVE ME DADDY.