A strange thing happened on my way back from Pennsylvania. Normally the trip takes three hours, but only fifteen minutes passed, and I was nearly home. What’s more, my gas tank was still full, when it should have been half-empty. It was creepy, and the strange feeling only got worse when I found a black spherical object in my anus. It looked like a marble, a common plaything, but it glowed with a strange luster, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had been abducted by aliens. It was the only thing that made sense. They had beamed me aboard their mother ship. They examined me and erased my memory before returning me to earth, but they forgot to empty my gas tank, and even more damning, they left an alien probe in my booty.
The next day, I was waiting in the lobby of NASA, demanding to speak with someone.
“Listen,” I said, “I found this object in my rectum, and I have good reason to believe it came from aliens.”
They would not touch the alien orb. They ushered me out, but referred me to the Office of Space Affairs, and from there, I was sent to the FBI. I visited a dozen bureaus, along with several labs and universities, but in the end, the only person who listened was Sanjay, my therapist.
“I’m tried of being treated like a crazy person,” I told him. “Paying a lab is the only way to move forward. I found a place that will do a complete analysis for seven grand. That might sound like a lot, but the orb will be priceless once it’s recognized as alien technology.”
Sanjay huffed and rolled his eyes.
“Look Royal, we’ve been here before. You get these wild ideas, which always lead to bankruptcy, or humiliation, or both. So this time, please be reasonable.”
“No,” I said, “because it’s not just the anal probe. It’s also the time-gap and the gas tank. All three things point to an alien abduction.”
“But many explanations are much more likely than an alien abduction. Maybe you were absorbed in a daydream that distorted time and erased your memory of buying gas. Maybe you had a night of heavy drinking and you put a marble in your behind just to see what it felt like, and then you forgot it was up there.”
For a moment I was silent, because Sanjay’s last suggestion revived an embarrassing memory, and I tried to hide my reaction, but somehow he perceived it.
“That’s it,” he said. “Isn’t it?”
“No,” I said, “and even if it were, it wouldn’t explain the gas tank or the time-gap.”
“Listen, if you want to believe that you were abducted by aliens, go ahead. But please do not spend the little money you have pursuing this notion.”
I refused to give up on the idea, but the next day, I had no choice, when I found an Exxon receipt with the same date as my abduction. My disappointment was crippling. Moments ago, I possessed something that could change the fate of mankind, but now I was just a forgetful guy who puts marbles in his butt. Sometimes life is cruel, so cruel that I doubt God’s existence — though, I still believe in aliens.
