A Tale of Two Clamshells
LIVING OUT LOUD — ZERO TO 60-SOMETHING
I’m fighting progress with both hands and a pair of now dull scissors.
I bought a new mouse the other day. It was a cute little device with a nice design and simple features. Nothing too complicated for me because now, according to calendars and years lived, I’m considered a senior. I don’t think it’s very considerate. With that said, technology hasn’t exactly passed me by but it has given me quite a few hip checks along the way.
I wanted to dig into my new device right away so I pulled the plastic to release the mouse. Nothing happened. I turned it over several times looking for the secret pull tab or an area where I could slide a knife in for a quick escape. Nope. The device was securely encased in this plastic bubble, also known as a clamshell.
Clams can learn a few things from these plastic cases from hell.
Honestly, if getting into one of these bivalves was as tricky as breaking into a product clamshell, most people wouldn’t know what they taste like…which is okay in my book because they look like giant boogers to me. It’s not so much the shell that’s a bad thing, it’s the basic flaw of the packaging to be inpenetrable. We put fragile things like eggs into simple cardboard cups yet a hard plastic computer item is engulfed in dense plastic so tough it needs a ballistics expert to blast it open. I find the ultimate irony to be when a pair of scissors is encased in one.
Why the Seventies should be wiped off the calendar.
Tomas Jake Lunsford is the man we all want to smack. Back in 1978, when I was still trying to figure out the benefits of wearing spandex skirts with high heels and dancing disco, this guy, Tomas, came up with the blister pack also known as a clamshell. Apparently it’s his fault I’ve almost gouged myself to death numerous times trying to open one of these spawns of satan. The scurge of the times, clamshells continue to plague mankind by being an emotional nightmare. It’s a real thing called Wrap Rage. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wrap_rage. These things suck. Statistically, more people have injured themselves opening plastic clamshells than actual clamshells but that’s because most people don’t want to eat giant boogers.
Some like it HOT.
Further research (a quick Google search) showed that Ol’ Tomas never intended these crates of evil to be heat sealed shut. Some other genius came up with that diabolical scheme. Why? Because when they are heat sealed they are tamper resistant and deter package pilfering. It also deters me from purchasing an item packaged in one… with the exception of the above mentioned mouse. Seriously, a determined thief is not going to let a plastic bubble stop them from heisting a piece of booty. If anything, they are now lethally armed with a piece of plastic so sharp you can shiv someone with it.
To conclude or not to conclude.
Clams have been around for millions of years and shared time and space with dinosaurs and other big-toed creatures, who used to decorate their dwellings with the shells. Okay, that isn’t true but it’s a good visual, isn’t it? I believe a million years from now, some geeky nerd will still be researching the life of clams (Life of Clams — Disney’s next pic?) and while excavating it, they will extract a plastic clamshell. They will piece together that the biological clam in an effort to keep from being eaten, tried to encase itself in what we now know is this inpenetrable shell. They will compile this amazing discovery to bore students just like nerds of yore.
So there you have it. I have to go now. I’ve got this shiny new mouse to play with and before that, I have to figure out how to fashion a homemade tourniquet to stave off the bleeding.
