A Thief Among Us
I went to visit my mom at assisted living, and found her glowering in a corner. Her face was red, and I could tell by the clench of her toothless jaw that she was enraged about something.
“What’s wrong Ma?”
“Someone came into my room and stole my teeth!’
She’s lost her teeth a dozen times before. Sometimes they’re found, and sometimes they need to be replaced, but always she blames someone else.
“Be reasonable, Ma. Who would want your teeth?”
“It’s that crooked dentist of mine. He comes here at night and takes my teeth, so I have to pay him to make new ones.”
When she has a crazy idea, it’s pointless to argue, so I played along.
“Maybe your right. I was driving by a nursing home in Newton last night, and I saw your dentist climbing out the window with a sack of false teeth.”
“You’re kidding!
“No, I confronted him and said I would call the police unless he gave you free dental care from now on.”
“Oh my!”
Maybe lying to a senile old lady is wrong, but my falsehood made her happy. She swallowed it hook, line and sinker, and when I brought her to Dr. Reynolds for new dentures, she went willingly. However, while she was in the examining room, Dr. Reynolds came out to speak with me.
“Mr. Alvis, I set the molds and the new dentures will be ready in two weeks, but I want to ask you about something.”
“Yes?”
“Well, your mother said something about the agreement not being good enough, and she wants free dental care for her entire family.”
I never thought she would try to renegotiate my non-existent deal. I explained and asked the doctor to play along, and he said he would, but an extra fee would be involved. Really, it was extortion, but I agreed, and it turned out to be the best money I ever spent.
The following week I stopped by assisted living and found my mom with a group of residents, bragging about her free dental work.
“I have that thieving dentist right where I want him,” she said to the seniors. “If I say jump, he says how high.”
This ruse has added years to her life, but if she ever finds out that I’m the one being blackmailed, it might kill her.
