A Very Special Treadmill Movie Review Edition
Marian The Librarian vs. Bella Swan
Over the past two years I have traveled over thirteen hundred treadmill miles while watching and rating over two hundred movies in thirty-minute increments. The most recent batch of films has stirred a raging controversy amongst the beloved treadmill reviewer’s readers. Which character showed the best judgement in terms of picking a life partner? Was it Marian the Librarian from the classic 1962 musical The Music Man (3.0 treadmills) or Bella Swan from the riveting four-part Twilight saga (3.0)?
To resolve this dilemma, I embarked on a rare treadmill deep dive analysis. It is easy to argue against each character as Team Bella advocates point out that Marian picked a con man who was in the process of fleecing her entire town. However, Team Marian fans rightfully argue that with a world population of eight billion people that Bella (spoiler alert) narrowed her final two picks to a vampire and a werewolf.
The arguments to support Bella’s choices are physically displayed on screen as Taylor (Werewolf) Lautner appears shirtless thirteen times in the series and Edward (Vampire) Cullen constantly showcases his stunningly dreamy eyes. Team Marian’s fans point out that although Professor Harold Hill stays fully clothed, that he is best friends with comedy legend Buddy Hackett who stops the movie with his high energy Shipoopie song and dance number.
The argument is never ending as Team Bella points to her ability to lean on her close high school friend, Jessica, (future Academy Award nominee Anna Kendrick), to discuss her boy problems. And then Team Marian counters that she could rely on the wisdom of her lisping younger brother Winthrop who was played by eight-year-old Ron Howard who was personal friends with the Fonz, one of the most successful relationship humans of all time.
Bella and Marian the Librarian clearly show better judgement than twenty-five-year-old Alana Kane when Alana pursues a relationship with fifteen-year-old Gary Valentine in the sweet pedophile romantic comedy Licorice Pizza (1.5). It is another clunker from the treadmill reviewer’s least favorite director, Paul Thomas Anderson. In the sweet disaster romcom, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (1.5), Steve Carell finds love in the days before an asteroid destroys the planet. However, the sweetest romcom is Iodine (2.5) the beautiful love story of a man and a selkie (half human, half seal). That is a relationship that would surely thrill Bella.
Although Genevieve Bujold could be forgiven for her choice of men since she unknowingly was in relationships with twin brother gynecologists both played by Jeremy Irons in the cringe inducing Dead Ringers (2.0), I could not forgive myself for adding this dud to my treadmill playlist. I should have learned my lesson from my previous review of The Stand-In (0) where Drew Barrymore made her attempt at tackling a dual role by creating one of the worst treadmill movies of all time. No more dual role movies.
The recent movie that best lived up to its title was Chef (2.5), a food truck success story, while The Card Counter (2.0) disappointed its title reliant film-goers with a dark and deeply depressing story of a former Abu Ghraib US Army torturer battling his past demons.
If any of my loyal readers are ever feeling a bit too happy and bubbly and want to plunge into deep despair, I recommend a three-pack of treadmill movie misery. Dear Even Hanson (2.5) was an achingly sad suicide musical. Myam Bialik took a break from Jeopardy to direct, write and produce the slow-motion family study of emotional abuse and death from a degenerative disease in As We Were Raised (1.0), the first treadmill movie to feature the Shema prayer in three separate scenes. Finally, the Amanda Seyfried traumatic drama A Mouthful of Air (.5) was so troubling that it was prefaced with a disclaimer warning of its potential triggering effects.
But let’s not forget about Marian and Bella. They were both wise enough to not select any of the men who participated in Jackass Forever (3.0) where men had their baby making body part covered with bees, punched by a heavyweight boxer, and applied with makeup and contorted to star as Godzilla in a “creative” scene of destruction.
There were a number of treadmill movies with similar themes. To sharpen my wits for the final Marian vs Bella decision, I prepared some thoughtful comparative film critical analysis. In movies with portal travel themes, the simply plotted Terminator (3.0) rocked both the confusing Spiderman — No Way Home (2.0) as well as the sappy and disappointing The Adam Project (2.0). The Terminator’s iconic female lead, Sarah Connor, mocked Team Bella by not falling for the non-human predisposed to killing her, even though Arnold proudly displayed his chiseled naked robot tuchis in the opening sequence.
In a battle of identically themed medical experiment dramas, Spiderhead (2.0) barely edged out Old (1.5). In the Jewish searching for love category, Cha Cha Smooth Smooth (2.75), the story of a bar mitzvah dancer looking for love with a party goer’s mom gets the nod over The Last Five Years (1.5), the story of a young Jewish man so infatuated with his partner that he writes, choreographs and performs The Shiksa Goddess to impress her. Unfortunately, he is no Buddy Hackett and the song is no Shipoopie, but the Shiksa Goddess is played by none other than Bella’s pal, Anna Kendrick. That kind of notoriety has to help Bella, right?
In a battle of big-time movie stinkers involving fathers gone wrong played by big-time stars, Matt Damon’s boring slow-paced Stillwater (1.0) out stinks Paul Newman’s boring slow paced Nobody’s Fool (2.0). In the women seeking revenge against men genre, Promising Woman (3.5) proves more fun and creative in its destruction of men than the classic kill them and hide them under the floorboards technique displayed in Last Night in Soho (2.5).
In an action movie knockout, legends Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone’s Escape Plan (3.5) obliterates both the shockingly bad Ryan Reynold and Gal Gadot led Red Alert (0) as well as the equally shockingly bad Brad Pitt and Sandra Bullock led The Lost City (0).
In a 1980’s badly dated comedy showdown, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (2.0) barely outscored Risky Business (1.5) mostly due to the early career performance of Charlie Sheen as “boy in police station.” While sister Ferris (Jennifer Grey) takes a liking to police station boy, Grey is clearly using her future star power to support Marian’s choice of a bad boy scammer. And who was the 1980’s casting genius that thought Charlie Sheen was a better fit for Ferris Bueller than for Risky Business?
In the spirit of recognizing the thousands of people it takes to bring a treadmill movie to my basement, I would like to quickly thank The Dry (2.5), Dark Waters (1.0), Never Let Me Go (1.0), All Good Things (1.5), The Confirmation (2.5), High Fidelity (2.0) and Love and Gelato (3.0) for attempting to entertain me along my treadmill travels.
Two recent movies achieved the acclaimed four treadmill rating. In the Academy Award winning Coda (4.0), Ruby Rossi the only hearing member of her family is devoted to maintaining her family’s small fishing business. She ultimately becomes the Chief Executive of Team Marian when she finds her own music man, Miles, in the school choir who inspires her to leave a life of preparing delicious fish dinners to pursue her passion for singing at the Berklee College of Music.
Team Bella fans would rejoice at the family drama of August: Osage County (4.0) where all the female characters choose men with challenging personal issues. While none of them are literally animals, they are alcoholics, cheaters and incestophiles. The film earns its perfect score with my favorite treadmill movie line to date.
Julia Roberts is having another highly spirited argument with Meryl Streep while she is in the midst of serving her lunch. Meryl is not interested in eating. Julia is steaming mad. Finally, Julia grabs a plate of food, shoves it at Meryl and clearly depicts the difference between mild mannered Marian and the battle-scarred Bella. Ruby in the spirit of Marian would have presented the dinner with a kind “I hope you enjoy the fish and come back again.” But Julia, channeling the vampiress Bella screams, “Eat the fish bitch.”
Ultimately, who was wiser in their choice of men? I think this will continue to be one of the great debates of our generation. Unfortunately, I have no more time to ponder this question as I literally need to keep moving forward. I have a more pressing issue to resolve. When I turn on the treadmill tomorrow morning, will I watch Escape Plan 2 or Wedding Season?
