A Visit To A Modern American Library

Welcome, dear readers, to our interview with a real live Modern (notice this is written with a large ‘M’ to emphasize the modern that so heavily influences our libraries today) librarian in her real, live Modern (notice it is again with a capital ‘M’) library! Things have changed over the decades and our libraries are not the stodgy old institutions that they once were in our ancestors’ days. Today they are hip, vibrant places where musty old books take second place to life, laughter and every other medium other than the written word. In other words they are now for fun!

“Greetings, library lovers!” states Molly Mulligan, the second tier librarian at the Muddledorf’s Regional Library and Discotheque. “ Welcome to our tour of a modern day American library! We will introduce you to every facet of what makes an up to the minute library function. But before we go any further let me introduce you to our modern day librarian- Vivian Varoom!”

Vivian, a larger lady with her glasses on a chain, pulls out a bullhorn and starts in loudly. “Good day, bibliophiles! Welcome to my lair……I mean my library! We are up to date with the latest innovations and all of the electrical gadgets that you can imagine. We have state of the art computers, reproductions of paintings you can take home, music in every form from vinyl’s to cassettes to downloads! We have DVDs and free streaming services and even stone age video cassettes. We have a children’s playroom complete with a child sized castle with a running moat, a 5 feet by 10 giant streaming video screen and a fairy tale garden with live animals in it. All, of course, provided at taxpayer expense!

“Umm” murmured Diana, one of the visitors, “ where are the books?”

Vivian pretended like she hadn’t heard her statement. “Let us start with our disco music section. Now I know that disco is an old fashioned term, but, don’t worry, we have all the latest artists spinning the latest tunes that make you swoon! We got Beyonce, Megan Thee Stallion, Taylor Swift and, for the few old timers we have still with us, the Rolling Stones! We have everything covered!”

“What about Stephen Foster?” wheezed an older member of the crowd.

“Sorry, anything pre-1930’s is considered prehistoric and irrelevant.” answered Vivian.

What about the books? Is anything with them also considered irrelevant?”

“All books are irrelevant!” sniffed Vivian haughtily.

“What?!!!” asked the old woman in shock.

“Yes, books are a thing of the past. Try the museum down the street if that is what you want. Yes, we do keep a few as a remembrance of what communication was like before electricity. But now they are unnecessary encumbrances. We now have eBooks!

They enter into the Music section of the library. It is vibrantly painted in day-glow colors even including the ceiling. The sound is almost deafening. Young teens and kids gyrate to a pulsating beat emitting from large speakers mounted in the corners of the room.

“As you can see”, Vivian shouted above the din through the bullhorn, “we are keeping up with what is trendy and relates only to the Now!”

“But how does anyone get any studying done?” wheezed an older man in the back.

Vivian laughs hardily. “Studying? RUBBISH! Studying is so 1950’s! We are totally over that! Why study when you have the entire Internet at your fingers and at your service?”

A strange sound overshadows even the loud music. It sounds like a wrecking ball hitting the side of a building. “What in heaven’s name was that!?” asked the old woman.

“That is our mini bowling alley! We just added that on this spring! Come see!”

They walk over to a glassed-in area and, sure enough, there was a 6 lane bowling alley complete with ball returners and a shoe rental. “Isn’t that exquisite?!”

“But what does it have to do with a library.” asked one and was thought of by many.

Vivian of course had an answer- “Why, with so much sitting and sitting and sitting at a library we have to have a way to get our bodies out of their lethargy. What better way than an exhilarating game of bowling! It gets you up and out of your chair and moving.”

“If you say so…..” stated the man, realizing that to say anything contrary would be foolish.

“Let us now head over to our film section!” Vivian trundles over to another even larger section of the building and opens the door giving view to a huge auditorium with recliner seats each with its own microphone for ordering snacks that are delivered via a vacuum tube to their seats. The theater was showing a live video of an acid rock concert full with screaming teens and psychedelic lighting. The teens in the auditorium match the antics of those on screen with gyrations and highly decibel shrieks and sing-a-longs.

“What did you say?” asked the grey haired woman from the back of the crowd.

“I said this is our film section!” stated Vivian loudly, remembering to use the bull horn, adding to the decibel level significantly.. “It is designed to present to them whatever they want to experience!”

“You call this culture?” retorted the old woman.

“It is what the kids decided is their culture!”

“What if it rots their minds?

Vivian was momentarily taken back by this. “The kids are our future. Keeping them happy keeps our doors open!”

“And your jobs safe?”

Vivian was visibly offended by this. “Let’s move on!” she said loudly with a hint of anger.

“This is our teen room where adults are not allowed. But we can peek in.”

There were couches everywhere with kids on them jumping up and down on them, chasing each other around, having battles with seat cushions and even making out.

There were private booths where small numbers of them could jam in for privacy that came assessed with DVD and streaming machines, large screens and flat screen tv’s and large, cushy couches. And they were soundproofed. It was obvious from the clear windows in them that they were having a raucous time.

“Ahh, aren’t those kids in that end booth having sex?” a professor-type older man asked pointing to the end booth.

“Hmm, yes, it looks like they are.” stated Vivian calmly.

“Isn’t that something that should be stopped?” he inquired.

“No!”, snapped Vivian abruptly. “We are all about providing all that they need to know about life and that, too, is a part of life.” Seeing the wordlessly shocked look on their faces she quickly added “Let’s move on!”

They enter a large room the size and capacity of a basketball court. There are mattresses on the floor and a number of decrepit and shabby looking people milling and lying about.

“This is our homeless section of the library. We let the unfortunates of our society stay here for free.”

“It is a bit whiffy in here. Do they take showers?” asked a middle class housewife.

“Oh, we have all the facilities. Some of them just chose not to use them!”

“Ewww!” stated several.

Vivian took notice of that. “We are all about allowing the freedom of the individual. They can choose to clean themselves or not to.”

“What about working?”

“That too!” answered Vivian. “So that concludes our tour! Unfortunately the Sumo wrestling shooting range arena is closed down because of the unfortunate accidents we had last week otherwise I would let you peek in at that as well. Now, I am sure you have some questions. You can voice them by signing onto our modern, state of the art computer system paid for you dear taxpayers. Also on there you can download and stream the latest movies, plays, operas and big name concerts all for free!”

“Where is the card catalog for books?”

“Oh, that was eliminated years ago. Along with most of the books. Of course do have the latest biographies of our current movie actors, television stars and popular politicians.” Those we could not do without.”

“What about the works of Plato?” asked one.

“Oh, what movies was he in?” returned Vivian.