About Your Missed Diagnosis
As my family doctor, you’ve had a sterling record until now
I would like to start, Dr. Johnson, by saying that I know my part in our professional relationship. I know that as a parent I have to trust you to diagnose and treat my son. I know that you went to medical school and that you have all the required licensing and certifications. You have never before missed anything in relation to my family’s medical needs.
This time, however, I think you missed a serious diagnosis. How can you not see the clear case of “being super fucking annoying” that is currently running untreated and undiagnosed in my son?
I’m not a doctor and so I don’t know the “official” term for that disease, but it’s there. Did you speak to him? How did you stop yourself from punching him every time he talked? I know that he was in your office long enough for you to see this symptom. Did he not just start randomly making noises in your office? Did you time him? He usually can’t go more than 5 minutes without saying something that is, at best, a complete non-sequitur to any conversation or making some random noise with his mouth. In this case, “saying something” is usually two or three mushed together syllables surrounded by low-frequency grunting. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t enunciated a full sentence in over 2 years.
Of course, he would probably speak better if he wasn’t glued to his phone all day every day. If you managed to peel his phone out of his hand you would clearly see the dents which are a result of him gripping it like it contains the antidote to a poison he just accidentally took. I know he doesn’t wear glasses now but I’m sure he’ll need them eventually since he spends 95% of his life staring at stuff that is only 2 feet away from his face.
One last question, Dr. Johnson. Did you smell that kid? I swear you can smell him coming from about 25 feet away. I know because I measured it. I had him stand at the entrance to my garage and then I grabbed a tape measure. I had him hold one end (all he can really do to help because of the phone continuously in his other hand) and I walked until I couldn’t smell him anymore. The tape measure only goes to 25 feet and at that point, I could still smell him. I could buy a new tape measure that is longer but really what’s the point?
Thank you for taking the time out to listen to me, Dr. Johnson. I know you will do the right thing and get him the necessary medical attention.
