Air Farce One
A tale of G7 +1 in 3 Acts
Act 1 Lemons
Air Force One; the eagle is in the air, Washington ATC do you copy
Copy that.
Trump was flying off to the G7 in Edin Berg where his host was ready with the roast lamb and mint sauce for Melania or was it to be Ivanka? The 2 big macs and 2 fillet o fish sandwiches were going to be the least of host Bojo’s problems at the state banquet. How was the C in C going to eat them? Does he use a knife and fork or does he go south Asian and use his hands?
How was he the leader of a rapidly sinking economy diving faster than the president’s jet coming in to land, supposed to do a deal to sell the NHS? The bosses Jared and Dom weren’t going to be around to help the handover. The security guys were not happy about losing one of them, they were much too important.
There had been a tip off that the the Jelly Bean aka Rocket Man had Mossad’s number and called them to return the favour he once did them when he lent them his security team to cover for them in Iran. He was going to launch an ICBM at the next G7 meeting.
Wires got crossed and Edin Berg was thought to be the target. The 5 eyes (I’s) needed an agent to get to the bottom of it all.
They thought that Ivanka would be best to glean information from the Michelin man. All she needed to do was sit close and make sure her bra followed his eyes. Rubber tire was well pleased, he knew he had one on the CIA. He was desperate to show Dotard and Ivanka his missiles, especially his Huang Dong. All security and anybody else were banned just like the time when Donny and Ivanka met Vlad and Alina.
It was here that Vlad got the idea of a wired hot mike brassiere when he couldn’t stop staring at Ivanka’s décolletage. Alina gave Vlad a dressing down later that night, “what will POTUS think of you Vlad, a dirty old man?’
Vlad said he got him the job so he can think what he likes and wasn’t Trump looking at Ivanka’s neck all evening long anyways.
Vlad had really put a spanner in the works when he sent in the bat drones to surveil the bioweapons lab in Wuhan. The drone operator had had a few too many vodkas celebrating Stalin’s birthday and the golden soviet era when men were men and sheep were worried.
To cut a long story short the bat was somehow flown into an open window and gave the fright of her life to Petra Chen PhD she dropped the vial of Yankee flu which the yanks called Yangtze or Kung Flu. The vial smashed and splattered over the bat drone blinding the already blindingly drunk operator sitting in Putingrad. Somehow, he got the bat out the window again only to lose contact over the wet market. Here it seemed to have fallen into a basket full of pangolins.
How ironic that the Yankee Flu had been declared the most virulent and won the Wuhan World Military Games best in class for political control. The Chinese sure could make use of this and rapidly checked it out in Wuhan. It worked a treat so it was released in Hong Kong which once gave rise to the King Kong Flu. It sure shut up the Libertards. This American tech was definitely worth its weight in gold and Petra Chen was given the Mao Peoples Heroine Medal by the grateful CCCP. She single handedly kissed each of the 5 Americans from Fort Dettrick who went sightseeing to the Wet Market during the games in an attempt to become infected. She did and caught a lot more than Uncle Sam’s STD.
Petra had risked her life to save China she had a hunch the Americans filthy habits of eating hotdogs and Big Macs without washing their hands would pay off for The Peoples Republic.
The Chinese being what they are good at went into rapid production with the virus and soon gave rise to the phrase that when China sneezes the world catches a cold.
Bojo had another problem how seriously should he take the threat from the North Koreans to make G7 the last ever meeting unless Elton John sang Rocket man to Rocket Man followed by Happy Birthday Mr. First Chairman of the National Defence Commission of North Korea or they were going to release the mother of all weapons. MI6 were damned if they knew what it was or what the plan was , they were silent and in a huff ever since being asked to hand over all the intelligence that they gleaned together with bags of rubbish left over by the jelly bean sumo at the Nuke pow wow in Singapore. What the CIA didn’t realize was that the used elephant sized diapers hadn’t come from Singapore zoo but the supreme leader.
They thought it was the Brits (the limeys got an odd sense of humour) trying one on the Yanks. The CIA weren’t amused and got their men in Mossad to put out chatter that the next G8 was going to be Vlad’s last and the Brits were going to carry the can.
Proto Sumo had taken these diapers along as a precaution to avoid any questions from the worlds smartest democratically elected leader when he was talking to worlds second smartest democratically elected leader. Mossad had tipped off his men in suits that Trump was going out eat Kim as he was going to get a couple of family buckets of KFC each. How had he found out that KFC gave him wind? He didn’t want his new chum whom he fondly referred to by his nickname of Dotard to find out about his uncontrolled wind. Rocket Man tell me your thing why does someone also go into the “John” when you go for a №2? He got a slight swelling feeling down below, when his pal called him Rocket Man, cheeks reddening, the effort of holding one in was becoming unbearable.
Why does a glamorous beauty always go into the toilet cubicle when Kim goes for the No 2? Stop your dirty mind at once, go wash your mouth out with Lysol. What is a fat sumo to do, they so fat they need their ass wiped and they can’t reach? That’s right they passing the toilet paper to yours truly.
The Dotard wasn’t going to show up the finest golfer the world had ever produced and Dotard was mighty impressed Rocket Man told him he held the world record for holes in one in a round of golf over 18 holes. 17 holes in one and an eagle. The C in C was sure going to invite him to Gleneagles for a round to get a few tips so that he could impress the ladies. Trump had never had a hole in one.
Meanwhile the CIA thought they had a problem those Mossad guys had hot miked Ivanka’s bra. There was a collective sigh of relief when Trumpster told Ivanka to stay at home as he was going to get her a job. They never suspected a double bluff because Melania didn’t like that sort of thing. She never let anyone near her. That maybe explains a lot why she had a barren marriage. Vlad got out his contact book and phoned Serbia, he had few teeth pulled and located her old flame, Franz Epan. When Vlad sends Men and Geiger counters you knew he meant business. He even thought up the master plan to have the hapless old flame send over his ex-beau a wired-up bra. He really thought this master stroke especially as he personally had emblazoned on it in “A Mans a Man for A that” on each cup 3 words of the phrase on each cup. He was going to finish Trump as one of the cups was wired to give a fatal electric shock. Vlad’s Intel was lacking here and he believed Trump when he said he was tiring Melania out and maybe he should go for a younger type for his next term.
A masterstroke as on the inside of the bra the beau was allowed to write his own message. He duly had inscribed ‘Dump Trump’ inside one cup and ‘For Serbia’ in the other. Melania knew from the code, Trumps days were numbered after all wasn’t it a Serbian that had started WW1 which led to WW2 as a result and now, they were really going to let the world know, nobody messes with Melania and the Serbs otherwise you’re gonna get WW3.
Trump was really going to coin it in and show the world what a tycoon he was, Melania was going to interpret for all the G7 being fluent in all the languages except Japanese and Italian. The hefty fees she earned would pay for Trumps purchase of the Brits Health Service. In the case of the Japanese and the Italian she was going to use her smile to acknowledge that she understood and then whisper sweet nothings to Macron in French, who in turn would tell Merkel something like- Trump’s smile looks like one of his fish sandwiches. Merkel would then tell Trump what was said “You should eat something healthy like Salmon”.
The Italians never mattered anyway ever since that pope guy had kissed Trumps hand. They were in the pocket, all Trump had to do was send over Kayleigh McEnaney and they were screwed.
Vlad had always felt snubbed that he never got an invite, he never committed any crime when he and his biker mates went for a ride round Sevastopol. He was going to get his own back on the world snubbing him because he was pissed that the other leaders refused to let him appear in photoshoots in his trademark stilts which he only ever wore on shoulder to shoulder snaps. It was deemed too much of security risk, what if he fell and tried to break his fall by grabbing Trumps combover? Vlad sent the bats out to Wuhan to listen in to the Military Games.
Anyway, Vlad called Tel Aviv and wanted them to fix those bastards, it was time a few favours were returned especially for the time he’d saved Bibi’s bacon and got them substituted for turkey rashers for his breakfast meet at the White House. The CIA were going to finally going to get the upper hand over their Kipper 911 plot failures. They really screwed over the mozzies and American intelligence to be dummies by their clever use of the codeword 911. The Americans never suspected a thing until the planes hit and the emergency lines were red hot.
Every time they talked 911 the yanks thought nothing of it until it actually happened . This gave Mossad a brilliant plan to give food poisoning to the G7 leaders at the Edin Berg meet to help Vlad out. The code name was Salmon and Lemon as this was to be on the menu. They had genetically engineered a salmonella L (Lemon) bug that gave you the explosive shits within a minute of consumption so nobody would suspect a food bug and lab analysis came up with zero as the bug was shat out on the first fart. Boy those were some clever operators.
The salmon and lemon chatter were dismissed by the intels as chatter for the Elle magazine feature on Melania and her G7 interpretation and fashion shoot. Trump was so pleased that he could earn a dollar or two ever since covid had impacted his revenues. Melania was the breadwinner now.
The set up was easy, Jared had won the catering contract, his was the only bid. All the menu had to be kosher to keep Ivanka happy and the salmon was to be shipped from Haifa. This had been specially tested and frozen injected with salmonella L and stamped with a lemon.
The chatter was abuzz with the G7 menu, it had even been leaked to Elle, Lamb and Mint sauce or Salmon and Lemon main course and dessert of vanilla ice cream with chocolate cream pie. Even Vlad and Bibi did not have the appetite to serve Melania Salmon with Lemon.
The meal choice was decided before the dinner to maximise time for affairs of state and G6 all decided on the Salmon and Lemon with Trump going for 2 Big Macs, 2 Fish Sandwiches and large diet coke followed by 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream with 2 slices of chocolate cream pie. Melania was to have the Lamb.
Jared had personally recommended the Salmon with lemon, what self-respecting Nato leader could refuse an order from the leader of the free world? So, the G6 all went with the salmon and lemon. Maybe he had a soft spot for Merkel because her father had sheltered his grandfather from the Nazi thugs, he said she should share a big mac with his father in law as he always over ordered and he knew Angela hated waste. Ms Merkel was told to keep quiet and refuse the salmon as it was off by the time it got to her turn to place her order and she was just to say that she would share with Donald.
The Brits not wanting to be left out decided that if everybody was going have salmon and lemon they would too. Nobody tipped them off about the diapers as the Euros weren’t sharing anymore once Bojo had flipped the bird at them. A move he had learned on the playing fields at Eton. This was a tradition of tory prime ministers inherited over the centuries to warn off the plebs, other nonpublic school attendees and foreign scum. He did it with such effect with the Euros he must have practiced for hours in front of a mirror. They could not forgive him after dining with the finest in Brussels for many years undercover as a satire journalist and his exemplary pieces such as curved bananas being banned by edict of the Italian banana mafia. The Italians had received a lot of funds to straighten bananas. The readership in blighty hated johnny foreigner telling them what to do, a sort of proto United States. They had ruled the waves and now they were waving goodbye led by Donald John Bull Trump.
Oh, how they had laughed at his pieces and written in Latin at that. Bojo had made a name for his Latin speeches to his Turkish grandfather and Latvian grandmother. In fact, he had already written his epithet, “Latin is a language as dead as dead can be, it killed off all the Romans and now it’s killing me”. He inscribed it in so many text books that the Old Etonians already had a whip round for a plaque stating the same in Latin to be placed on the gates at Downing Street as sort of stay away to the Greeter Thunberg types now permanently camped outside.
Bojo’s writing skills were by now matched by his oratory skills. He was now proud to be at the prime of British chutzpah that he was affectionately called by his grateful voters “The pound land Trump” which he cleverly changed to “The Five and Dime Trump” for his muse Donny’s comprehension.
Trump was so impressed that he hired Bojo as his only speech writer, ever since he introduced him to Queen Liz, and later confided to him that the Queen had been so honoured to shake the hand of the greatest ever POTUS. He even forgot she was supposed to curtsey or was it the other way round. He was so pleased when the sound of Bojo harrumphing had silenced the cracking of regal digits with the infamous Macron white knuckle shake that Drumpf thought was the Nato version of the masonic handshake. After all he wasn’t going to be shown up as some colonial upstart but as leader of the world familiar with local customs. Macron had showed him the shake of a strong handsome man who had a way wiz ze ladies.
Melania was in a swoon and Trumpf knew it. This Macron was dangerous he represented everything Melania fantasised about in a man she saw in him as an alpha version of Trudeau. Trumpf had marked Justin’s card and knew that he could invite him over anytime to have his balls felt if he so much smiled at Melania in that kinda way again, but Macron was dangerous. He had nukes.
The French, Japanese, Canadians, Italians had gotten wind of some sort of plot and their intels told them of how Rocket Man had eyeballed Trump with the help of diapers. The intels of the Euro were going to get their respective leaders to wear diapers too. There was no way they were going to sell out cheap to the greatest dealmaker the world has ever seen or will see the likes of again. If Nuke boy could resist his charms so could Europe. Trump already had Bojo’s ass for free and there was no way Europe was going to be MAGA Trump’s ticket to lifetime presidency, not with Emmanuel Macron about any way. The Euros guessed that Trump was going to use the old laxative routine again like he did on the North Korean. You don’t move until you sign. They were damned if Europe was going to pay Trump so he could boast to Vlad he was now worth more than he was.
Vlad sat in the Crumlin Castle after a hard day, horse riding, fishing and a bear wrestling photoshoot. He took off his stilts and put his feet up on a couple of oligarchs whose turn it was to sit on all fours so that the hardman could rest his weary feet. The Polar Bear he had been sparring with slipped on the ice and was biting into the steel stilts of Vlad’s leg extensions. The bear had locked on and the camera crew got great shots of the polar bear having its lights punched out while Vlad posed.
His plan was coming to a head, Trump was POTUS, Bojo had been prised from Europe and now he was going to set the cat among the pigeons and get the Chinese blamed for it.
Act 3, Vlad the Master
Enter Trump into Edin Berg castle with Yankee Doodle Dandy playing as a fanfare. The Queen could not attend as she claimed she was in quarantine and Bojo stood to attention waiting for the Trump Macron white knuckle shake. Bojo and Trump shook hands for what seemed like an eternity, arms moving forward and backward in a tug of war. The CIA had rigged up Trumps hand with a bionic flesh coloured glove that had a hydraulic grip, poor Bojo who thought it would be a laugh had one of those joke buzzers in his hand when they locked hands. The squeeze of Donald’s hydraulic glove started cracking Bojo’s fingers and hand bones.
The world’s greatest dealmaker swung into action,
“ Your health service, how much”? Bojo tried to press his buzzer in vain, all it did was cover up the hydraulic pumps now crushing his bones one by one.
“Free harrumph” squealed Bojo with a smile that can only be compared to the one he had when he sent his fag for some excrementum to the shops only to handed to be handed an extra-large packet of mints on his return.
“Did I hear that right; you will pay us to take it on board is that right?” queried Trump.
“Harrumph yes, yes we’ll pay anything you want”. Bojo tried his hardest not to cry as he knew his exes and illegitimate children would be watching.
“What about the all the military hardware now stockpiled, because you pussies don’t want no war, you gonna buy that?”
“Yes, yes, just name your price”
Trump had got what he wanted, Ivanka could now make a living as Trade Ambassador to Britain. This was the first thing he was going to do after all the good old Brits you could always depend on them. He had a special appointment for Jared, he was going to milk the French, his sons were to be in charge of the other wealthy euro nations. Japan was all sown up anyway. They were ready to eat Bush’s vomit now preserved if Trump asked them.
Anyway, Trump wanted to be seen to be fair and he was going to shake everybody’s hand. They had sat the Japanese Prime Minister next to him anyway and first in line after Bojo. The hydraulic retraction was slow and the Japs and Ities got a slowly opening palm. Merkel and Trudeau likewise got away with a limp touch as Trumpster had forgotten to hit the close hand button. The sight of Macron swaggering up giving Melania those looks, got Trump to hit the button. Luckily Macron swerved and went to shake Melania’s hand. Planting 2 kisses on each cheek, while sniffing the Eau de Vanka liberally applied to her neck.
Melania whispered 1010 tonight Mon Cheri.
Macron winked that Gallic naughty boy wink at Trumpster, swerved him, shook his left hand adjusted his diaper and sat down.
Trump liked big numbers that is why he was in room 1001 in a 2 storey 200 room hotel. They had to change the lift numbers to keep him happy. When Melania was allocated room 1010, he didn’t even notice.
Melania feigned illness and went out for some fresh air. Suddenly Macron too said he had to take an urgent personal call from Mrs. Macron who had been viewing the live proceedings.
Suddenly there was a hullabaloo outside, security and journalists rushed to the scene of Melania giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to Macron. He touched something live and got a shock, she gasped in between pumping his chest. The first aid skills brought Macron back to life.
Their secret was safe and they returned sheepishly to the dinner.
Trump tucked into his big mac meal which he reluctantly shared with Ms Merkel.
The salmon and lemon began to take effect and Trump started on the G6 if you know what’s good for you every one of you has to pledge 100 billion bucks before you can leave to the Trump Foundation for Trump Ethics.
The GI tracts of the world’s wealthiest rumbled and were priming for a butt explosion of nuclear cloud proportions.
Shinzo was first to sign, then Justin and both made a world record breaking dash to the lavatories. Moro was next, Bojo tried to show a stiff upper lip and held out a bit longer as a result of one of the initiation rites to the Bullingdon Club that had been to shit in as many eateries in Oxford and sit in it whilst dining. Even he could hold no longer a fart of ballistic effluent propelled him straight to the restrooms.
Merkel looked on bemused biting into her big mac wondering when Trump was going to eat the salmon. I think I’ll have it after dessert. I don’t want to ruin my appetite said Trumpf.
Macron was now smiling with gritted teeth at Melania how could he go and he certainly wasn’t signing anything. Besides the Brits didn’t have bidets how could he go. He let go in his diaper and continued to enjoy the rest of his meal.
Trump never got to the Salmon, he had it put in a doggy bag so he could give it to Joe Biden to show him what fine food he was never going to get to eat with Kings, Queens and Presidents.
Macrons toilet difficulties were much helped when Trump declared the meeting over and held an impromptu press conference to announce that he was going to run Europe with the help of his able family who had inherited his IQ, whilst he the greatest President that the world had ever had was going to run for another term. Melania was already on the Presidential jet waiting to be debriefed by the alphabet agencies.
Macron called for the French Consulate in Edin Berg to open out of hours as he knew they had a bidet and the last that was seen was a motorcade leaving at high speed from the castle.
Vlad still had work to do how the hell could this ungrateful man who he had made, end up richer than him? What was he going to say to Alina when Trump showed her the size of his wad, yacht and plane? How could he ever take off his stilts, Alina would insist on the lights on after that.
Meanwhile Vlad had a plan….
